Updates and Blog - 2022

Wednesday, December 7, 2022 - 10:23 PM

Hey, guess what! New layout! It's been a hot minute! I will probably keep tweaking it, but I got it to a point where I wasn't sure what was still bugging me about it, even after a bit of time away from it. And I really did get super sick of the old layout! So yeah, happy to roll this new one out!

New layout, who dis? - Sonic

Sunday, November 6, 2022 - 2:27 PM

Hey! What if I had a blog on here! That'd be CRAZY, right!? Who would do something like that!? ^_^ It's not like I tried out some blog posts in 2017, or regularly use the updates section for blog posts.

^_^;; Yeah, since the updates are mostly just that: What I added, what art I've made, any changes to the site like a new section or adding in an old comic, shit gets lost. Plus, yanno, the master update page for each year in and of itself is p long. Like, I broke all of 2022's updates into their own pages, and intend to do so going onward. But I didn't go through ALL the years doing that. I did end up sorting through all the updates since 2017 to peel off some of the wordier blobs to migrate into this new blog section--some of which were even written for the purpose.

Blog, blogs - Sonic

Monday, October 31, 2022 - 11:38 PM

Happy Halloween! This post has nothing to do with Halloween!

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 12, Scene 11

Pssht! Sonic's not THAT big of a dork! TOTALLY.

A very embarrassed Sonic - Sonic

Sunday, October 30, 2022 - 7:18 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 12, Scene 10

YUP. TOTALLY A GIRL. NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT BEING ANYTHING ELSE. DON'T CHECK.

A very embarrassed Sonic - Sonic

Saturday, October 29, 2022 - 10:30 PM

Quarantined

Fuck it, gonna post it anyway! I did this song-parody-animation thing back in April of 2020 (I think I only worked on it in a frenzy on April 15, since that's the date I cited on the audio file name, and the last opened date of most of the project files?). If I remember right, I got upset with how shaky my singing was, since T has given me awesome voice changes and I love it, but for a long period there singing really hurt, and I'm still really out of practice as a result--and never finished working on it. So yeah! It's only got a bare-bones animation for the first 20 seconds or so, and I sure as hell ain't planning on working on it/finishing it now, but I still like the joke, the sentiment, and the work that went into it! Hope you like, too!

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 12, Scene 9

Look. Sometimes you come to absurd conclusions with the information you have at hand. And maybe should look at ALL the information you have available. Not just the stuff in your hands. ...That's kinda lewd, isn't it!

Our Plan Was Perfect! - Sonic

Tuesday, October 18, 2022 - 9:32 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 12, Scene 8

Who else would I be!?

A very embarrassed Sonic - Sonic

Monday, October 10, 2022 - 10:49 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 12, Scene 7

Soooo...the whole, "I'm totally Amy," thing...Embarrassing, right!?

"Why do you think you're Amy?" - Sonic

Monday, October 10, 2022 - 5:50 PM

Some ponyplay stuff, me in my alicorn form wearing a surcingle with some reins pulling my head into a pretty restrictive head set and some sort of cuff on my wings. LOOK. I am but a simple lad.

But like, yeah. A training setup like this can get super cruel and painful super quick. DON'T TIE YOUR HORSE IN A STALL IN A TRAINING POSTURE LIKE THIS FOR HOURS.

So yeah. Doing some kink arts.

Bright lights, colors all around. I'm runnin' wild living fast and free, got no regrets inside of me - Sonic

Thursday, September 29, 2022 - 8:16 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 12, Scene 5

^_^;; The line was supposed to be "We don't have MUCH time before those kids are missed," but apparently I flubbed a LOT of lines in this scene and didn't realize until way too late to re-record. ^_^ Because I've been on T for awhile now, and my voice is different.

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 12, Scene 6

"Yeah, I know, I know...it's just--"

Our Plan Was Perfect! - Sonic

Monday, September 19, 2022 - 5:50 PM

One of the things that are really driving my snakebite piercing infatuation lately is the idea of using them in a ponyplay setting. Like. Come on. I am 1,000% sure that using someone's septum piercing in a sexy roleplay scene is just A Thing, because in my head that will always be WHAT IT IS FOR (cuz, yanno, a bull's nose ring is used for leading them, if you do such a thing to your bulls--not super common in most dairy operations I've been around, but I'm sure there's outliers, and I've seen enough photos to see that the practice is still very much alive).

Bright lights, colors all around. I'm runnin' wild living fast and free, got no regrets inside of me - Sonic

Sunday, September 18, 2022 - 6:48 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 12, Scene 4

^_^;; Hahaaaaaaa, I broke my Procreate file making this because I forgot I wasn't working in a duplicate file...! OH WHALE!

Lawl, being gently pulled aside by Tails to talk about stuff.

Our Plan Was Perfect! - Sonic

Sunday, September 18, 2022 - 1:16 PM

Another sexy pinup of my hedgehog self! I like this one a hell of a lot better than Come Hither--it just has more of what I'd wanted to make than that one (also I really don't like how my face came out in Come Hither). So yeah. I like that. Drew myself with my top surgery scars, my ear piercings (which, I really should get some simple earrings to wear in them again), and snakebite piercings, because I've been quietly obsessing with the idea of getting snakebite piercings lately. Annnd it's not the first time I've thought they'd be cool and hot, sooo.

...Plus, I've been really obsessing with the concept of attaching light scarves to the piercings as leads or reins, and WHY IS THIS NOT A PONYPLAY CONCEPT I'VE SEEN BEFORE? So yeah...that's a thing I'll most likely be drawing and exploring. Because I have no chill <3

Bright lights, colors all around. I'm runnin' wild living fast and free, got no regrets inside of me - Sonic

Thursday, September 15, 2022 - 2:57 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 12, Scene 3

Underage driving: Least of our worries, or not even a priority?

Hail Hydration

^_^ I forgot I could probably post this now! This is a poster I made for this year's FurSquared back in April! We've had Hail Hydration posters at con the past two years, and this one was meant to fit into the CONspiracy theme this year!

Come Hither

^_^ I wanted to do a sexy pinup thing. So I did.

Our Plan Was Perfect! - Sonic

Sunday, September 4, 2022 - 5:28 PM

I'm kinda back, maybe! First thing I've drawn in a hot minute! So that's p nice. I'm gonna work on alternating between IDM shots and one-off illustrations for the time being. Did some arts of myself in my alicorn form in the moon. ^_^ Yay.

It's kinda a ponyplay thing? I've seen the the "in the mouth tied bridle"-thing in arts, usually of native horses, before, and I def feel it p frequently? Which is weird but kinda nice? Shit's weird, bro.

(The file name is "Moon Moon".)

Under the light of the moon - Sonic

Wednesday, August 31, 2022 - 9:21 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 12, Scene 2

^_^;; Okay, I got stuck on this one, so it's pretty much just a slow pull in over 40 seconds of narration, and not terribly polished. But whatever, we through this, that's the important bit.

Our Plan Was Perfect! - Sonic

Tuesday, August 30, 2022 - 3:34 PM

Okay, so here's something I started writing this morning that I intended as a short story, but apparently kinda just turned into micro fiction instead. Heh, micro. ^_^ That's not directly referenced, but it is one of the many things on my mind whenever I start trying to kick around this particular story-ball of "everyone spontaneously gets unlimited shapeshifting powers. What do?"

Because it feels like there's so much story potential here! And wish fulfillment! But also, like, chaos, the absolute UNIMAGINABLE FALLOUT. And I'm over here like, "But what if we try to imagine it anyway?" So yeah. I don't know that this particular iteration is gonna go any further than where it's at, I kinda need more of a thread to trace than I currently have to take it anywhere, but it's an idea I keep coming back to, so I very much doubt I'm done with trying to come up with something a setting like this.

Friday, August 26, 2022 - 10:50 PM

OKAY! I might have some a new noema? From last night. IDK.

I'm not gonna go into the backstory essay right now, fuck.

I pulled an old water bottle out of my subspace pocket, old as in From The Before Times, and the person I gave it to was all, "What language is this?" And I'm all, "Oh, that's a bottle from Before. We usually call the languages Old Mobian, but that's specifically Ahnai'ha, from where I was from around Emerald Hill Zone."

And like, I don't usually get words, shit just feels translated to me, and obviously I could be wrong, but still. It felt really nice.

Noema - Sonic

Friday, August 26, 2022 - 10:48 PM

It really fuckin' sucks that it hurts so damn much to work on It Doesn't Matter right now. Like, it is not fair, this is my Coping Project, this is how I ROLL. LITERALLY. It is how I Feel Like Myself. Which, fuck you, maybe that is weird, or pathetic, or like, "Not Sonic-like at all". Fuck you. I've spent years being depressed, years trying to get this stupid fucking body to feel and move a bit more like mine. I work hard, and it is tired! YES, I would prefer to be able to run, especially in the woods, or even go hike, but WHOOPS! MY FUCKIN' BODY PITCHES INTO MAJOR DEPRESSIVE EPISODES WHEN I TRY, BECAUSE I'M BURNING TOO MUCH DAMN ENERGY AT WORK. And I like my job now! It's a good, physical job doing something that actually matters and helps. And my mates are super good and sweet and help me make it work, because I am bad at all the things! Not to mention that most of the time running makes me feel more dysphoric anyway, because this body sure as hell isn't mine, and isn't able to do the things I naturally just DO. Chaos, even getting this thing's endurance up to a bare minimum of "Able to run a mile" was a wretched endeavor. YEAH, SURE, "OH, YOU LAZY SHIT, YOU MADE YOUR BODY THIS WAY! YOU SHOULD'VE EXERCISED BEFORE!" Yeah, well, I was still majorly dysphoric and depressed. I've been doing my best to make peace with this thing and actually take care of it.

But writing IDM sucks right now. Instead of being a focus, a way for me to Be Home the way I...guess I kinda sorta rarely actually did that way? Maybe recording it once it's happened sorta? I dunno, it's hard to pinpoint. But instead of me being able to use it to just Be, it's just making the gulf between where I am and there that much wider. I wrote a thing with me experiencing euphoria there, and it super flared my dysphoria here. Which I guess makes sense, but usually if I was able to do it, I was at least able to just be and feel the euphoria. Even in the bad parts. I dunno. It just sucks right now, because it just leaves me feeling stuck.

And then drawing it for the scene I'm on right now, I just kept freezing, especially because it's, Oh Boy, draw another crowd forever. But also like, I feel like the 40 second transition shot is a shit way of doing this part, but also I don't want to do more on this fucking transition...It's a really shit cycle.

OH, AHHH! WHY DOES IT HURT!? - Sonic

Friday, August 26, 2022 - 10:45 PM

I think I've decided that social media use is like cooking. It sucks and is a lot of work to do just for yourself, and it sucks and is way too much work for little reward in a high volume and/or career-type setting, but just for a few people you love? It's fucking fantastic. Like, you get the joy of making something and sharing it with people and you get to just enjoy it and bask in a job well done? Like, isn't that the dream for literally everything?

I've spent waaaay too much time online trying to be professional-adjacent, in trying to make something that I could live off of, or get by building commissions, or break into the animation industry and feeling I needed to curate a "hireable" online presence as an asset to that goal. In trying to do all three at once. The Panopticon spoke, and there were eyes everywhere, for both good and ill. Because, let us not forget, as a transmasc Otherkin boy, I am supremely bully-able. And I do not have a particularly thick skin. The handful of times I have been in the path of some asshole going out of their way to tell me they thought I was shit have stuck with me, and I've always been aware that the line between the light trickle I've seen and a deluge of shit is mostly just made of bad luck. It doesn't take much for a brigade of dick-brains to decide to teach you a lesson for literally nothing.

But yanno what, that's what blocking is for, and I have my notifications turned off anyway. The fuck am I gonna let them say to me? This isn't fifth grade anymore, I don't have to just lay down and take it.

I'll probably never be able to support myself with my art. Frankly, from the horror stories I've seen, that's not entirely a bad thing. Capitalism means that the kind of unending grinding it takes to barely keep your head above water is designed to destroy us. Grinding means something is wrong, actually. And I'd rather not blow out my back, or shoulder, or wrists and then have to keep trying to work around said injury because, hey, this is my livelihood. I'd rather not work 20-hour days in a studio system that requires 3-5 years experience for an "entry-level" job. I've been in systems where the fact that they let you work here is all the reward or recompense you're supposed to want or even expect, and frankly, Fuck That. Failing to get into an art career was probably, in hindsight, a massively slick move on my part. Did I go through a shitty, degree-mill art school just to build up enough skills to make my personal pet project? Apparently. Fuck it, at this point. With the way the corporations that own the studios and streaming platforms are running the show--especially this recent bullshit with Discovery dumping shows from HBO Max to get an insurance payout...well, it ain't gonna be good for anyone involved. It's a world where everything feels like it's collapsing, crumbling under the top-heavy weight of the requirement for infinite growth in a world that is just...itself. Enough. A Thing. Nothing can grow infinitely, and none of this is sustainable. So maybe I'm better off here as a vet assistant. Maybe that's Actually Really Good, and not just Kinda Nice.

I dunno. My current situation has its own issues. Shit always does. And it's as susceptible to the capricious whims of The Market as everything else, and the only way to get to anything better is through a full on revolution. But overall...I think it's a good place for me to be. For now, and even going forward. ^_^;; I have pretty bad trauma brain, still. It's still pretty opaque to me to try and project a future 5 or 10 years out. Some of that's just ADHD, but, yanno. For a very long time all that mattered was to keep going until I could break free. Right now I'm focusing on recovering and learning what I need to know to be a vet tech. I don't know what comes after that.

It's been really hard for me to try to draw for the past month and a half to two months. Lately, when I try, I get a surge of anxiety, or I just feel empty, or I try and draw something but I just can't vibe with it, and it feels and looks wrong.

I think some of the problem might be that I'm Zuko-ing. Like, yanno, how in Avatar the Last Airbender, after Zuko joins the Gaang his firebending is super weak because he's not fueling it with his rage anymore, and he has to find another source for his inner fire? Yeah, that. I've been driving myself with my need to Escape, and using it to do triage on myself for so long that...I think that's where I'm tripping up. I'll get that surge of anxiety, this idea that what I'm going isn't Good Enough, even though I'm actively trying to Not consider It Doesn't Matter a portfolio piece...but the pressure in my head is still there. I still feel that need to prove myself, even though there's nothing to prove myself against, and no goal that that is working towards. But I do this about everything. I don't write about my Otherkin experiences because I don't have the words, or don't know how to shape something that happened to me into A Story, and I end up just writing when the frustration burbles up enough that I don't care whether it's Good or not, I just need it Out.

I'm not sure how to course-correct my relationship with social media and making things. Like, the first step is obviously to be aware of it, and to work to make mindful choices in line with this new value. Framing it as "Something to do with a small collection of close friends" is probably the best shape I can put it in, and seems like a thing I would ultimately be able to maintain...if I can be consistent in trying to get there. I'm gonna hafta work on approaching things not as an art I'm working to develop, and instead as...I don't know. A thing to share? A thing for my friends and mates? Info I wish someone had passed on to me when I was starting out? I dunno. There's shit I want to write about, shit I want to make. I don't want to ever stop making IDM, but also...it hurts. It really hurts to work on it now.

Yeah, I'm gonna try and write more frequent, smaller posts.

Zuko-ed - Sonic

Monday, August 22, 2022 - 5:31 PM

Okay, Whoops. Pausing for September

Hecc. So, I did not intend or expect to get walloped with the Art Block Stick, but I done been walloped with the Art Block Stick and haven't drawn anything since July. Fuckin' whoops. I'm sorry I also went radio silent. Yanno how you're all like, "Well, I'm sure this'll work itself out soon," and then it doesn't? Yeah, that. So I've just been seized by anxiety every time I look at drawing, and while I can work through it...it's taking a bit. Sooo yeah. That's what's going on here. Again, sorry I didn't say anything about what was up until now.

Fuck you, Art Block and Anxiety - Sonic

Friday, July 2, 2022 - 11:01 PM

So one of my mates suggested we do Art Fight this year, sooo, yeah! Trying that! So yeah! This is my first attack! The character, Starling, belongs to constxllations_!

I did an experiment with a lineless style here! It's not something I've really done on character work, but was similar to how I've been constructing backgrounds! I liked trying the challenge! ^_^ And obviously I think this pegasus is beautiful.

The Colors Feel So Right - Sonic

Tuesday, June 21, 2022 - 3:55 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 12, Scene 1

Chaos, this took a minute for what it is! ^_^;; That always happens when I'm setting up the scene and backgrounds for the first time, but yeah, it's A Thing. I did spend a bit trying to figure out how the bus parking area connects to the rest of the camp, buuut ultimately didn't really establish that.

Cyborgs? Well, they can't stay HERE! - Sonic

Wednesday, June 15, 2022 - 12:23 PM

^_^ It's about time! I finally updated the site intro! ^_^ It's been a few years, it was super due.

"Hi! I'm Sonic! Sonic the Hedgehog! I'm a transmasc enby Otherkin guy whose kintypes are Sonic the Hedgehog and a non-MLP alicorn, and I make lots of comics and TF stuff, and have a ridiculous Sonic TF animation project called It Doesn't Matter I've been working on forever! I also have a TF/post-TF based comic-turned-prose-story-with-illustrations, The New Normal!

"Yeah, I've really had a track record of not getting along with my body at all, 'Oh, hey, I'm not human. And there is fuck-all I can do to make my body match up with what I really am, and who I am. Well this sucks! I'm not even a girl, either? Fuuuuck!' At least the whole, 'Not a girl, but a guy,' thing is something I can actually do something about!"

The Colors Feel So Right - Sonic

Monday, June 13, 2022 - 10:10 PM

Eventually, Though, You Can't Shift Back: A short drabble exploring the feeling of coming into your real self, be that trans, furry, otherkin, whatevs. ^_^ With some fun shapshifting concepts for flavor.

I've wanted to write stuff in a setting where everyone has access to unlimited shapshifting for awhile now, and this is the first thing I've written reaching towards that itch.

Being Your Real Self... - Sonic

Monday, June 13, 2022 - 5:05 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 15

^_^ Yay! That wraps up scene 11! Hells yeah!

Cyborgs? Well, they can't stay HERE! - Sonic

Monday, June 13, 2022 - 12:33 PM

A very chill color test to dial in some technique.

The Colors Feel So Right - Sonic

Thursday, June 9, 2022 - 11:49 PM

I had surgery June 1! Specifically, I had a revision from my top surgery back in 2017--removing a bit of loose skin from the front of my incisions that's been bothering me all this time...^_^;; Please bear with me if I'm a bit scattered, I'm not on The Good Drugs anymore (just some anti-inflammatories), but I am having a decent amount of exhaustion and accompanying brain fog! I also had a therapy session today, and yanno, it got me thinking:

MAYBE I'M NOT THAT LAZY AFTER ALL

Thursday, June 9, 2022 - 4:28 PM

Some personal arts about my true forms.

^_^ Playtime ain't over - Sonic

Wednesday, June 8, 2022 - 10:58 AM

^_^ A fun bit of playtime between my mates Tails and Vi.

^_^ Playtime ain't over - Sonic

Monday, June 6, 2022 - 2:55 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 14
It is cool!

Cyborgs? Well, they can't stay HERE! - Sonic

Monday, June 6, 2022 - 12:10 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 11
Okay, phone, here ya go.

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 12
Hi! I had surgery the day before yesterday! Here's the first thing I've drawn since then! I am very tired!

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 13
Sometimes all the raw material you have on hand is your own toys.

Cyborgs? Well, they can't stay HERE! - Sonic

Saturday, May 28, 2022 - 4:10 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 10
Tails' dad!? Tails has a dad!?

Cyborgs? Well, they can't stay HERE! - Sonic

Sunday, May 22, 2022 - 10:26 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 9
Back faster than anything, huh?

Cyborgs? Well, they can't stay HERE! - Sonic

Sunday, May 22, 2022 - 4:30 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 8
Knux reining us back in with reminders of cyborgs.

Cyborgs? Well, they can't stay HERE! - Sonic

Saturday, May 21, 2022 - 2:33 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 7
Yeah, Tails, why wouldn't I be sure!? It's not like it's embarrassingly obvious, or anything!

Being Sonic!? That'd be wild. - Sonic

Wednesday, May 18, 2022 - 2:30 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 6
Me? Sonic!? Can't be!

Being Sonic!? That'd be wild. - Sonic

Thursday, May 12, 2022 - 8:45 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 3
Tails is turning into Tails? Crazy!

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 4
Putting all of the things together!

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 5
Me?! Sonic!?

We're Transforming! - Sonic

Thursday, May 5, 2022 - 10:20 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 2
^_^;; There should probably be more of the 20 or so campers in this establishing shot, but who cares! we're moving on! I want to keep this story going, and we got shit to do!

We're Transforming! - Sonic

Wednesday, May 4, 2022 - 8:00 PM

I had nightmares all last night. At the time, they didn't entirely feel like nightmares, even though I knew I should be, would normally be, flinching at the electric jolts of pain. I'm still feeling a lot of the numbness, distancing me from the touch of the nightmares, and the memories--previous times I'd assume I was fine, and get blindsided by the tsunami coming in later, but I know better now, and I know that this is just the water drawing back from the beach. It's not actually calm, or receded, it just looks like it.

It's funny that this nightmare could make me feel this way, that it could try to argue that I, I dunno, shouldn't hold my abuse against my abusers, or whatever bullshit conclusion you might want to draw from it alone, when only a few days ago I was hit with how much, and how thoroughly, and how many of my memories (all my memories?) just feel like shards of broken glass. I was never safe, and it's never gonna be okay.

The dream itself...it was about my dad. In it, I didn't really have access to the memories of the bad things about him, and my own abuse was minimized. Basically I was in a pocket dimension constructed to be the way your abusers gaslight the situation into being, where they're completely reasonable, and you're being unfair. And hurting them. Of course.

Basically, in the dream, which dream backfill said was apparently set in Michigan, I was in this restaurant's event space type thing after the event is over, and kinda trying to help pack up so everyone could leave (in one of those situations where you aren't actually responsible or required to help the people in charge, and don't really know what you're doing, but you want to help anyway and there's always small fiddly things to take care of to save the people who are dealing with the actually important stuff the time). And having my dad there trying to engage with me about how I left and that he's sad about it. I knew it was a dream, but couldn't wake up. Or else I had a few such dreams but they all kept dumping me back in with my dad. He was on decent behavior. I didn't really try to leave, more than shuffling around the room.

I dunno. That's me getting caught up in the weeds of the details. In the dream, he didn't really engage in some of the really shitty things I'd expect him to say or do in real life--didn't try to grab me, didn't do a lot of the emotional blackmail tactics. The point wasn't about living what it might actually be like, or what my experience of it would be. The point was what his point was. Which was that I "didn't give them a real chance," and that "I hurt them by leaving." It was about his pain, his grieving. Again, all his good traits were there. The gentle way he uses his hands. The tone of his voice. The fact that I could hear these words without having them completely rip me to shreds. I knew I had reasons, good reasons, for leaving. That I won't ever, ever go back. But the dream still wanted me to wonder. Forced me to wonder. It demanded that maybe I over-reacted. That I hurt this poor, kind man for nothing.

Fuck that. I lived that way for too damn long, shoving myself into a corner of myself, staying out of the way, tending their emotional needs--and letting them hurt me. I knew that relationship was a lost cause long ago, and just because I protected myself as best I could from further abuse while I was still trapped there doesn't mean I "Never gave them a real chance." They blew up every chance that came their way from the time I was Actually 15, and finally prepared to acknowledge that I wasn't being treated well. Just because I don't have clear memories of the number of traumas, and only have instances I've held onto for myself as evidence doesn't make it okay, and it certainly doesn't invalidate all the work I've been doing to learn how to not behave like I belong in a corner and am apparently too shameful to exist.

It's also super damning that the second after I "put aside" christianity I started to realize I should be treated better than I was, and that the anger and pain I hadn't really been aware of came forward to say, "LOOK. THIS IS REALLY FUCKED UP." I finally stopped trying to sever parts of myself, and finally allowed myself to experience anything without shame.

Fuckin' Nightmares - Sonic

Tuesday, May 3, 2022 - 8:26 PM

Fuck yeah! I'm through the background hell of the first establishing shot of the scene, and have a WAAAY better understanding of the area I'm playing in! So yeah, I'm excited, and hoping this'll go a lot quicker, now!

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 11, Scene 1
Whee, establishing shot! ^_^ I'm glad to be back with Team Sonic. ^_^ Less glad at the prospect of drawing all the campers they're saving! But yeah. I'm really happy with how this long pan came together.

Chaos, what if I could get the rest of this done before the end of the year? What if I could get out a ZONE a year? Fuck, that would be the dream.

I Moustache You a Question - Sonic

Friday, April 22, 2022 - 4:43 PM

Hells yes! Scene 10 is in the can! ^_^ Now that we know what's going on on Eggy and the camp's end (not really The Commander as a person as much as The Camp as an entity) we get to go back to Team Sonic! ^_^ It's gonna be a relief to draw NOT EGGMAN. Chaos, SO MUCH EGGMAN DRAWING. ^_^;; It kept me moving through the shots, I think, and not adding extra frames (yanno, more of that "animation" I'm supposedly doing here), but OOF. So much Eggy.

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 10, Scene 9
Eggy is known for his patience, yes?

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 10, Scene 10
Eggy casually getting ready to cut into some fuckin' kids.

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 10, Scene 11
No trouble at all...

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 10, Scene 12
He's very sure he's ready to wreck these kids.

I Moustache You a Question - Sonic

Sunday, April 10, 2022 - 4:37 PM

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 10, Scene 6
What are THEY doing here!?

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 10, Scene 7
In which Eggman Realizes Something.

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 10, Scene 8
^_^ It was boarding this shot that I realized I couldn't stop gay-coding Eggy's body language...so yeah, we're just leaning into it.

I still REAAALLY don't wanna think about Eggy as a sexual being, buuuuut it is fun to give him all the style.

He's still a dick.

I Moustache You a Question - Sonic

Saturday, April 2, 2022 - 12:56 PM

HEY LOOK! We got the first (prologue) chapter up with an illustration for New Normal!

Moongazing - Sonic

Friday, April 1, 2022 - 4:17 PM

^_^ I wanted to paint a quick image of Mobius at night. So yeah, did that. ^_^;; It'd be better if I'd dug up some references to build with, but for a quick and dirty "I'm too tired, I just wanna make something relaxing," I'm happy with it.

Moon and rings - Sonic

Sunday, March 27, 2022 - 5:41 PM

What if more unicorn?

In the stars - Sonic

Sunday, March 27, 2022 - 4:34 PM

HELLS YEAH! SCENE 10 IS WELL UNDERWAY! ^_^ I am the excite. And also tired. So, sooo damn tired.

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 10, Scene 1
Yeah, I said it. Eggy disingenuously engaged with someone and then called them a cretin behind their back! Because he's a dick!

I mean, the Commander is barely a character, but STILL.

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 10, Scene 2
He droop.

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 10, Scene 3
^_^ I had fun pushing the Sad Face there. But more fun drawing the angee face. Because, let's face it. We're all better off when Eggy happens to be angee.

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 10, Scene 4
Hmmm...I wonder how we got through?

Fuck off, Commammdrr - Sonic

Sunday, March 27, 2022 - 2:51 PM

HELLS YEAH! SCENE 10 IS WELL UNDERWAY! ^_^ I am the excite. And also tired. So, sooo damn tired.

Fuck off, Commammdrr - Sonic

Sunday, March 27, 2022 - 1:33 AM

Did some art of Tails as a Star Trek TNG science officer!

In the stars - Sonic

Sunday, March 27, 2022 - 1:19 AM

^_^;; Okay, I didn't cut the audio for this shot before I started drawing, and didn't realize it was actually technically the last shot of the scene! I'm very good at things. So yeah! only one frame in this shot, and I definitely could've put it all together earlier! I just needed to put it all together, and I HAD NOT. But yeah! That's Scene 9 in the bag! Scene 10 will follow Eggy into his lab for a bit longer before we jump back to the main 3 as they work out what to do with their collection of campers and their recent revelation! Mostly the logistics tho'. Priorities!

Commammdrr - Sonic

Saturday, March 19, 2022 - 7:48 PM

FUCK YEAH! Last page of issue one of The New Normal is in the can!!! ^_^;; I can't believe this took me four years, but whatever! I'm really fuckin' happy about it!

^_^ I kinda love that this last page is effectively two of my author avatar characters comforting each other. Like, Rae isn't totally one of my author avatars, but she's very much descended from them.

Moongazing - Sonic

Friday, March 18, 2022 - 2:20 PM

Second to last page of the issue! We're winding down, now!

Pet, pet, pet... - Sonic

Saturday, March 12, 2022 - 3:04 PM

Hells yeah! We're at the end of scene 9! ^_^ Fuck yeah! Next scene still focuses on Eggy, buuuut...still! this is exciting!

Commammdrr - Sonic

Saturday, March 6, 2022 - 8:18 PM

Holy shit! Another page!

Not actually human - Sonic

Saturday, March 5, 2022 - 9:01 PM

^_^ Page happen!

Not actually human - Sonic

Sunday, February 27, 2022 - 2:08 PM

Heh! Holy hell, I got three shots done yesterday! ^_^ So yeah, have those! They've already been included in the big master uploads of the videos!

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 9, Scene 9
^_^;; It's gonna be reaaally obvious down the line that I'll probably have a very different idea of "Number of drawings to get the idea across" from human characters to Mobian characters. ^_^;; I already went back and added a third drawing of Eggy here, but it could very much use a forth one, and Commander could do with another drawing or so. OH WELL, NEXT SHOT!

Um, yeah, laying down exposition about what Eggy and the camp are up to or something. Wild!

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 9, Scene 10
^_^;; I'm probably inordinately proud of this explanation.

...Ew! I have something in common with Eggy! NOOOOO!!!

It Doesn't Matter - Zone 1, Sequence 9, Scene 11
Ah, the joys of infodumping about your special interest.

...Dammit, script! Stop making me empathize with Eggy!

Commammdrr - Sonic

Saturday, February 26, 2022 - 10:39 AM

Yanno what? Let's talk about the OTHER reason I'm changing my project schedule. Which, to do that, I think I need to talk about WHY THESE two projects...which is honestly something about which I'm not sure how transparent I've been. WHEEE!

So yeah, we'll start top-down: I'm a transgender Otherkin guy, which means my body HELLA doesn't match who I am inside, the who and what I'd consider to be my real self.

Actually, first let's define some terms real quick, since hey, you can never go wrong with establishing a baseline understanding up front, and I'm intending to post this one on several accounts and don't want to assume just everyone has the baseline working knowledge on subjects that have a lot of misinformation around them. Plus then I get to lay out my own working definitions.

In short, "Otherkin" refers to someone who believes they are in some way not, or not entirely, human. I tend to default to assuming "spiritually not human," but that's not by any means the only way people experience their non-human-ness. For me, I identify as/experience myself as/am a non-MLP alicorn and also Sonic the Hedgehog, and spiritually I shift pretty fluidly between the two forms (I've had others come up, but these two have been my primary and most persistent forms for most of my life).

I don't usually think it's really worth it to get into the whys and hows of how someone being Otherkin happens. I think there's a lot of possible causes, even just looking at it from a spiritual perspective, and once you add in other perspectives, like the psychological perspective, you get even more possibilities--and I assume that every single one of these possibilities are probably true for some individuals...but there's literally no way to know what's true for who, and all trying to figure it out does is tie us up in knots. Like, a certain amount of speculation is inevitable, chaos knows I have my own pet theories and ideas for what I think is going on with me--but the ACTUALLY IMPORTANT part is how it affects us in the here and now, what we're experiencing, who we are, and what we can do to mitigate the adverse realities we find ourselves experiencing--like dysphoria. Fucking hell, does it absolutely suck to be in a body that feels so fucking alien to you.

Sooo, yeah. It Doesn't Matter and New Normal are both born directly out of that complicated morass of experience--they're both projects designed specifically to address my species and gender dysphoria. Cuz hey, I can get hormone replacement therapy, I can get surgery, but my body's still gonna be human shaped, and most of my dysphoria is still gonna be here, always. It absolutely sucks, it hurts, and there's approximately fuck all I can do about it.

It's hard and it's scary to talk about this stuff. I hate opening up these vulnerabilities, because everything I've learned in this world is that people LOVE to use the things that are important to you to hurt you. I honestly don't understand it--I get lashing out in a moment, I reeeaaally don't get the premeditated, targeted, malicious stuff. But whatever, that's how some people choose to act, and I really do think that being open about my weirdness will help others out there. You're not alone.

So It Doesn't Matter (especially IDM) and New Normal are ways to combat my dysphoria. They're both explicitly ways for me to get into the headspace of one of my two main forms and just be in that for awhile. IDM especially is pseudo autobiographical, where I use the act of writing the thing itself as a focus for being in the moment, projected over to Home. Which yeah, is heckin' unusual, and there's a lot of personal stuff going on in that phenomenon. It's not a one-to-one translation, stuff is edited, streamlined, all that Good Shit. Chaos knows I've nowhere near written down everything, and there's definitely shit I'm more sure about the broad strokes of than the details, but yeah. That's the deal with that.

New Normal isn't that sort of project. It's its own thing built of characters scrounged from scrapped projects, plot threads that couldn't stand up on their own, ideas I just want to see played out in a visual medium, and some of my own weird, random experiences. It's my "more commercial" project--and it's BARELY commercial at all. But it does scratch the itch of letting me think about being a unicorn here in this world, and how navigating that while physically A Unicorn would look and feel. Plus, a lot of unicorn TFs end directly post-TF, and we barely get to see any of the adapting to their new life stuff, and that's a major shame!

So yeah. That's "Why These". That's why these projects in particular, instead of Thus Spake, the silly write-as-I-go from a quick and dirty what-if premise, or Anything But Ordinary, with a ton of interesting ideas already written and waiting to be adapted.

Which brings us alllll the way back around to The Point. I was just alternating these two by update, and now I'm gonna be going by week. Hell, before I started explicitly alternating between the two projects in January I was mostly just sporadically bouncing around interspersed with long periods of inactivity.

But needs change--they're constantly fluctuating, actually. I don't know how well my "Alternate by week," plan will work, or for how long before I need to switch it up again. That's normal, and to be expected, even if I wasn't actively in the process of working through a lot of trauma. But yeah, I am, and it sucks. And as always, now that I've patched myself together enough for it to even be possible again, I'm starting to use making things to help myself heal.

A huge part of that process for me is the act of writing--in immersing myself in the life or situation, and explicitly feeling it out. It's nice to be at a point where it's possible to touch that, to be able to reach outside myself, and to have enough energy to make something with again. It's been really hard, and it was hella scary to be messed up enough that doing so wasn't an option, especially for so long...

So yeah. I say it all the time, but it's usually faster to write something than draw it. I've had a pretty sizable backlog to work from for IDM and New Normal (it's ESPECIALLY faster to write than animate!)...but on New Normal I'm finally at the end of the script for issue one...which means it's time for Writing Time.

Buuut given the need to get into the right headspace TO write, and my own need to balance my two main forms, I was struggling. I wasn't really having much success carving out explicit writing time with my project schedule as free-form as it was, and it was quickly turning into a situation where I was forcing an alicorn shift waaaaaay too frequently--for me, I can force a shift a few different ways, from doing a few things to encourage it to happen more easily to just jamming myself there by sheer force of will...but that's neither healthy nor sustainable. And since my hedgehog form is usually my main form--to the point where I've joked about being a were-unicorn--shoving myself in that direction long term was gonna be a bad idea.

Sooo yeah. We'll see how well this works for the moment, I've been in places where things like this work well, and in ones where it doesn't work at all. I'm a little nervous about needing to be kinda strict with my shifting to coincide with this schedule. But yeah, needed to try something different! We'll see how well it works for the time being!

Watch Your Step, Don't Fall - Sonic

Saturday, February 26, 2022 - 10:21 AM

I forgot to post a couple updates on here! I did add to both the episode and scene 9 master files, but yeah, didn't get the shots posted on here on their own.

Commammdrr - Sonic

Monday, February 14, 2022 - 10:23 PM

Now to go from walking down a hall to standing in it!

Commammdrr - Sonic

Sunday, February 13, 2022 - 1:49 PM

^_^;; I dragged my feet a bit on getting through this page, I just really wasn't feeling it this week. ^_^;; I also signed up for online schooling this week, which probably contributed. Just put a bit more pressure on myself, and...yeah. No bueno. But we'll push on. Only way out is through.

"'Like me?' What do you mean, 'Like me?'" - Sonic

Thursday, February 10, 2022 - 9:17 PM

^_^ Did a quick drawing of me teasing my little mate, cuz hey, it's fun!

Hush~~~ - Sonic

Tuesday, February 8, 2022 - 10:44 PM

"Your worries are for nothing. Ah'm not a stupid cardboard cutout. Ah'm an important part of the story who has a lot of depth and pathos." ^_^ He's not. But that's the point.

Commammdrr - Sonic

Friday, February 4, 2022 - 9:32 PM

(Apparently I forgot to pop this update up here when I finished it on Monday. Whoops!)

Oh noes! Not THE CHILDREN.

I'm still really proud of Eggy's uniform design. I love that it blends in with and takes up the same color pallet as the rest of the uniforms, while still having a level of ostentatious-ness to it, and I love tucking his signature red under the collar, just peeking out as his true colors are barely obscured under the fancy uniform. I think it's the most successful storytelling I've put into clothes, and I'm really happy with how it's all coming together.

Commammdrr - Sonic

Thursday, February 3, 2022 - 10:44 PM

MOAR COMIC

Doin' the "Don't let other people be alone," thing. - Sonic

Sunday, January 30, 2022 - 5:20 PM

Doin' a color test for my alicorn form, kinda feeling some stuff out.

The colors and stuff! - Sonic

Sunday, January 30, 2022 - 3:27 PM

Hey look! Another New Normal page! ^_^ Shine and the Fancy Man come so a slight accord, sorta! And we're done with that scene, and moving on to the last scene of the issue!

Talk to ALL the peoples! - Sonic

Sunday, January 30, 2022 - 3:33 PM

(Apparently I forgot to pop this update up here when I finished it on Tuesday. Whoops!)

Okay! Apparently we're just blasting through this week! ^_^ I'm hella good with that!

Eggy and the Commander (which I got bored in the middle of typing in this sequence's file and became the "Commammdrr") are discussing things and stuff and secrecy! And possibly don't have enough hallway for this whole conversation, but WHATEVER. Let's continue to blast through!

Haha, generic hallways. We toooottally won't be spending a large amount of time in those!

Commammdrr - Sonic

Tuesday, January 25, 2022 - 5:38 AM

WHOOPS! I MADE A THING!

^_^;; This sequence has been chilling on my iPad mostly finished for quiiiiite a bit, so yeah! Wrapped that up today! Heh! ^_^;; It's kinda been mostly done for long enough that I'd probably give my alicorn self different markings now!

Unicorn TF is My Brand - Sonic

Monday, January 24, 2022 - 12:50 AM

Haha! Okay, I did not expect to be able to get this page done as quick as I did! ^_^ I'm pretty happy about it.

Only consentually follow people! - Sonic

Sunday, January 23, 2022 - 8:16 PM

The GRAAAAAND pull-out became a lot smoller! ^_^ That's alright.

Eww! Eggy! - Sonic

Wednesday, January 19, 2022 - 10:09 PM

Let's try a new thing. I like CGP Grey, and I like his "Your Theme" video from...chaos, January 2020...timing, yo. ^_^;; I did incidentally do it that year: 2020 was my Year of Intentionality. It actually worked out surprisingly well! With "Intentionality" being such a malleable goal/theme, even when things went to shit with the pandemic raging, I was still able to have an actionable theme for the year to pursue. It helped to have something like "Intentionality" to work towards, or with, or whatever. I could intentionally choose to go for safe walks and runs around the neighborhood. I could intentionally work on time tracking, and understand how I was using my day: something I'd intended to do anyway. It was a theme that ended up working particularly well in a year where nothing could be taken for granted.

So yeah! After that did gangbusters for me in 2020, I promptly didn't choose a theme for 2021. Buuut...that's actually fine, too. 2021 was such a year in flux for me. My cat almost died of her chronic kidney disease in January, the close friend I'd reconnected with over the pandemic and I became mates, I sold my house and moved across the country (drove the 30 hour trip twice, actually! There and back before I did the house selling, and then there after it), changed my career, and started the harrowing job of recovering from trauma. It's been a bit. So yeah. I’m okay that I didn't put a label on it before I started. Frankly, none of the amazing stuff was possible alone, if I hadn't had my amazing friends' help, and my amazing mates to run to...I'd probably still be trapped in the same situation that had been killing me for years. If I had to retroactively backdate a theme, I'd probably call it the "Year of Recovery", or "Year of Escape". Either way, it was hard, but it was good, and I'm amazed to be where I am now.

So yeah. Let's do a theme. I want the theme for this year to be hopeful. "Wonder" pops out at me from a list I ran into, but I'm not sure how to work that. My salient goals at the moment are to get my legal name change and to get underway on earning a certificate for my new career, so yanno. That's a thing. "New Beginnings" is a possibility in that case. I'm trying to leave behind the guilt from leaving (ain't that a concept).

Aw shit, "Wander and Wonder" was literally a suggestion just now on this list. That's a pretty fuckin' me sentiment, though I don't think it necessarily jives with what I'm feeling for at the moment.

Maybe something more aggressive, like "Year of Fierceness"?

After thesaurus-ing "beginning," I think I'm gonna go with "Year of Opening". A Year of Opening up, of doing these blog posts. Of opening to new ideas and opportunities. To being more open to outsiders about who and what I am, and being more myself in situations I've been playing safe and hiding.

So yeah! Here's to the Year of Opening. Let's take it for a hell of a ride.

Year of... - Sonic

Tuesday, January 18, 2022 - 7:31 PM

I feel like I should tell Otherkin stories--that is, stories about my own experiences as an Otherkin guy--I already have stories like It Doesn't Matter and New Normal that are literally about Otherkin characters...and that liberally mine from my 'Kin experiences. The trouble is where to start. They're weird stories to talk about, they're hella personal, often pretty out there, and sometimes painful. They're intimate. And that's intimidating!

I guess the most obvious place to start is the beginning, but my own beginning is...pretty out there.

Once upon a time in the late 90s, in a catalog-inspired swirl of wild hope, I reached out with my mind and found a unicorn. We talked mind-to-mind for a while that day, and for a long while after. She told me her name, and that she was a queen of her...and linguistically we’re gonna get into the weeds for a second, cuz to me the word that feels most correct is "tribe", but technically a group of unicorns is a glory (or a "blessing"--apparently someone decided fairly recently, cuz Let Me Tell You...! All the literature I grew up with either used "herd", or "glory" if they were being pedantic!). But also, the word "tribe" is a bit loaded in and of itself.

She told me she was queen of her people, anyway, with the implication that that encompassed a broader range of people/unicorns under her purview than actually was. But whatever, I didn't know that at the time, and at 10 I was a bit disinclined to be overly critical of her claims. Maybe slightly wary on occasion. Periodically credulous, perhaps. After all, if what she told me was too good to be believed, or too close to my hopes or expectations, how would I know any of it was real--be it because I was dreaming up the whole thing, or because she was manipulating me? I read a lot, I knew the fairy stories, the trickster stories. It's easier to be taken in by something you want to be true. Even if it's impossible to believe.

So yeah. Eventually she got me to believe. She told me she was a queen, she told me I was a unicorn myself, and she told me I was her son...which was a shock to me at the time, because back then, I still thought I was a girl. Honestly it was easier for me to write off how wrong my body felt, especially as I was going through an early puberty, as because I was actually a unicorn than to look at the fact that I was a boy. Which is pretty funny to look back on, honestly.

Over time, she got me to believe other things, too, without necessarily having to outright say them. She could lead me to the conclusions, and simply verify them as obvious when I arrived where she wanted me to be. Eventually, in addition to being her son, effectively a unicorn prince in my own right, it was also my job, my duty, to save the world--to excise the world of evil, badness, and winter itself in a particularly christian-flavored way, because hey, if you’re indoctrinating someone--like you're a cult leader or something--and they already have all these lovely indoctrinated patterns of groundwork to build on, why not take advantage of it!?

Yeah. I grew up in a pretty seriously evangelical, conservative christian home, I had a ton of terrible patterns that had been drilled into me that made me ripe for the first likely cult-leader who wandered by.

And that's the thing. Mine is far from the only story I've seen like this. Maybe it's more direct than normal. But with our niche beliefs and the somewhat necessary need for discretion/secrecy, Otherkin kids are suuuper easy targets for cults. And calls like this one, to save the world or worlds, often as lone protectors, up against impossible odds but fueled with secret, sacred power we bring to bear against the task...they seem to happen a lot! And of course they hit. That describes most of the canon of grand stories we're likely to have ever seen in our lives.

Of course it strikes true, and of course we take it on, because from our understanding, that's The Way Things Are. And I'm not faulting those stories! Maybe sometimes. A little. Cuz sometimes they get weaponized. Like the "thin blue line" that claims to separate civilization from savagery, when in actuality it enforces an unfair hegemony and literally destroys homeless encampments in freezing weather in the middle of a pandemic. Really saved people from savagery there. Oh no, if not for them people with nowhere else to go would have *checks notes* continued to peacefully live in tents. The horror.

So obviously there's a lot that's unconscionable about this world, and being told that you (even you alone) have the power to fix it is a heady duty...and an onerously heavy burden. Because if you can fix it...shouldn’t you? And how do you need to go about it? Especially if you apparently have some sort of "fix everything forever" ability, or even simply "keep the world from ending" ability, isn't it paramount you exercise it?

Look. You personally do not need to save the world. Quite frankly, alone, you can't. That's not how it works. Yeah, there's a lot to fix, but there's no one thing, or action, or anything that can fix it. I'm not saying the world's not fixable, it very much is. But that will never come from just one person alone. We all can save this place from the cataclysm that's building in the form of climate change and eventual collapse. But it's going to take a lot of working together...and probably demolishment of the few companies (and perhaps industries), that are putting this crushing weight on our world so it can do its part and fucking heal. Probably demolishing capitalism in general. I'm not saying you can't save the world. I'm saying you can't do it alone. I'm saying that the danger is not from an esoteric big bad, but from the interaction of a lot of systems that need to be dramatically changed.

But yeah. I was to eradicate all evil. Apparently. Because that's a salient concept. That's an actionable possibility. It isn't. But hey, I felt the tremendous pressure from both my oppressively religious upbringing and my desire to Do Something And Help.

In between telling me I was her son and leading me to believe it was up to me to excise all evil in the world, Mommy Dearest taught me/forced me to learn how to astral project. It's not something that comes naturally to me, especially then, but she demanded, so learn I did. "Figure it out with minimal guidance," really, but hey. Once it's a thing you can do...

I really don't want to talk about the next part. Needless to say, the thing I tried didn't work. I tried again, and it also didn't work. I was crushed. But hey, what could I expect?

The next part gets...hazy. I was in a really rough place mentally. On top of the dysphoria that was only building, and the pressure from the task I'd been given, I had also grown increasingly socially isolated over the year or so that this built up. While all this had been going on, I'd moved up a grade, and had ended up in a different class from my best friend. I ended up being absolutely hated for my bookwormy, awkward, and admittedly a bit know-it-all ways by the girls in my new class, and the boys were utterly unwilling to put up with the inevitable bullying that hanging out with A Girl, especially A Weird Girl, would bring--so the only person I did almost befriend became one of my biggest bullies. Basically it was the sort of thing I bore well for awhile, but over the months it just ground, and ground, and ground me down, and I didn't have the resilience to bounce it off anymore. Any mention of the bullying or my loneliness to my family was met with the stock utterly unhelpful, "They'll get bored," or, "Just be friendly!" advice, and I obviously couldn't talk about the unicorn stuff to them. So I just...suffered.

The next important point was that the unicorn, who I intentionally haven't mentioned by name here, told me I wasn't her son. Whoops, her mistake, sorry. Sorry for the inconvenience. At first, I accepted this gracefully. Being too worn down and numb to do anything else. I don't have clear memories of that time. I don't know how long it was until it finally sunk in. Or at least, until I finally reacted.

It was Spring Break, and my family was on vacation at a very nice resort. I'd gotten some comic books for the first time (first time since a stint with pneumonia, anyway), and...things just rattled loose.

I spent what felt like hours sobbing absolutely uncontrollably, hiding this fact by swimming in the pool. I galled myself harder with the thought that had always, always as long as I could remember, hurt, "I'm human. I'm human. I'm human..." I swam, and cried, and forced myself to "accept my humanity" until I was too numb to cry anymore.

My family never noticed. Or if they noticed, they said nothing.

And that's the story of my first Awakening. I kept in contact with the unicorn for several years after this, and, obviously, there's more that I didn't mention, and more that happened after. But yeah. That's...where I started, basically.

I'm telling this because, quite frankly, I've never really seen anyone with experiences quite like mine. I've seen Otherkin tell stories with some of the same elements. Soulbonding, being manipulated...chaos, I tentatively want to write an entire essay about the being taken up by cults thing, cuz FUCK, is that a problem!

But part of the reason it's a problem is because if someone does have a trippy-ass, hard to talk about experience, they usually only tell it in the most palatable way. Chaos, I mentioned soulbonding, but I EXTREMELY casually hopped right over the fact that my only friends during the time this took place were cartoon characters I'd made soulbonds with. Which I def reconciled to myself by assuming I'd write another post specifically about soulbonds. Whoops.

So yeah. A Thing I want to do here is carve out a space where I do talk about the weird, hard things. Cuz sometimes. You just are the weird, hard things.

Don't Let's Start - Sonic

Monday, January 17, 2022 - 11:18 PM

Page 50 of New Normal is live! Shine and the Fancy Man are starting to soften towards each other, which is neat!

This scene has "stare, stare" as a lot of the direction in my notes! - Sonic

Friday, January 14, 2022 - 7:30 PM

^_^;; If I alternate between New Normal and IDM, maybe nobody gets pissed at me?

^_^;; Yeah, I think I'm gonna launch a tentative plan to bounce between those two projects, in the name of Actually Getting Them Out Again. Chaos, I'm rough at that.

Not sure about an actual temporal schedule for posting at the moment, I'm gonna hafta feel out a cadence. Hopefully prioritizing these two and letting things like one shot illustrations or commissions go for awhile helps me get back into the swing of regular production. Wheee!

Schedules are hard - Sonic

Friday, January 14, 2022 - 4:40 PM

ARRRRGH, I took so long on this! Basically, I was all, "Yay! Scene 8's done! Now I can move on to the next scene!" and forgot I ALSO wrote a ridiculous scene transition I literally described as: "The three exit the room via the same window. Pull back through room, through door, down hallway, up staircase, down another hallway (UGH. I'm gonna kill me for this), to Eggman walking in the direction we just were, talking to a dude in an army uniform, the Commander."

Yeah, we're NOT doing that involved of a pull-back, because quite frankly that was written with the intention to do most of the heavy lifting in 3D software I don't have the license for anymore, and I'm suuuper disinclined to teach myself a new 3D modelling and animating software right now. We're just gonna hafta live with NOT doing that.

ToonBoom Harmony has a very nice multi-plane camera tool that I'm super happy to abuse, so I utilized that again here (and assets from the first shot of the previous scene, cuz fuuuuuck), and I think I have a plan for how I'll set up a shorter pull-out, but yeah. Fuckin' WHOOPS.

Pull back, and back, and back, and back... - Sonic

Friday, January 14, 2022 - 1:22 PM

Blah, blah, wanna write stuff/DO SOMETHING/am bored/nostalgic for LiveJournal etc after talking with Tails about Ye Olde Pre Social Media Internette the other night (Did you know LiveJournal has an app!? Wild.)

I miss a lot of the quality of life stuff from pre-social media internet. The longer form leading to writing out stuff being more of a meditative, introspective action. Less pressure to Perform in general (though there was still definitely a performative pressure). The fact that instead of Algorithm Approved Content you could just get a personally cultivated, temporally ordered mix of stuff from your actual friends and stuff you were actively interested in. The fact that small communities were able to be chill and thrive and not be absorbed into a massive mooshy amoeba. I miss being able to find small niche forums and to explore independent individual blogs. I miss fansites and webrings, and I miss being able to see what my friends are ruminating on to the void easily and without missing anything because it's buried in Sponsored Content.

It might've taken years longer for me to figure out I'm trans, and to understand what my gender identity means to me without the transition blogs I devoured, first as an interesting record of someone random's experience, and then to try and figure out what all this I was discovering inside myself even means, and how others cope with it. Turning the emotional bees buzzing inside me into something I could understand. Giving me an understanding of my options, and what to expect. Helping me form a plan for my own transition, no matter how long that road was going to be.

I miss people having their own spaces on the internet. Islands they carved out to express their interests and passions, to speculate, to develop their thoughts. Not just to contribute to an endless deluge.

Def a bit of old man yelling at cloud energy on this one, but yeah. I'm dissatisfied with how things are structured, and I wish there was a good way to push back. And like, there's a certain amount of, "Be the change you want to see in the world," but also. You can't endlessly create. You can't be the sole voice of the world you're looking for. We all need to take breaks, we all need to rest, and we all need to be able to recharge and passively experience good things sometimes, too.

I'm not totally sure where I'll post this. Like, I'm writing this with the thought I'll post it somewhere, but I don't honestly know where I'll do so at the moment. Part of the point is to just simply write more, blog more, have my thoughts more ordered and face them outward more. Part of the idea is to model the things I'm talking about missing. But if the medium is the message, how does that translate? Especially when you're complaining about the options you have for the outlet?

Missing Ye Olde Pre Social Media Internette - Sonic