Monday, June 13, 2022 - 9:54 PM

Eventually, Though, You Can't Shift Back

It started innocuously enough. You always had an interest, of course. You never wanted to go too far, you knew that would never be allowed, but there never seemed to be any real harm in it. You found friends, somehow, with similar interests, and they were curious, too. There was a local event you could go to for the day, and that would be fun. A good afternoon.

You were floored when you were there. You hadn't known what to expect, and your joy overwhelmed you. An electric charge seemed to hang in the air, and you felt so at home, surrounded by the bright colors and costuming. There were so many ways the people had changed their bodies, tails and ears, of course, but paws, and muzzles, and wings...full-body fur, or scale, or feather, all in any color imaginable. It was so vibrant, and it kindled a glorious thrumming in your soul as you were immersed in the sights and sounds and music and scents. Naturally you ended up coming away from the day wearing a tail, a lovely flowing luxury drifting from your tailbone. Nothing too ostentatious, of course, but it helped you feel you fit in. You shifted it away before your friend's mom picked you up, and felt its lack keenly. But it would be okay, you could bring it back when you came back to the con tomorrow.

One con turned into two, turned into more. Soon you weren't day tripping, you were staying the whole weekend. You made more friends, attended weekly meetups, started staffing the cons, you'd found a place you felt...well, good. You developed your shift persona more and more, tried a variety of different things out, picking them up and putting them down as needed. And always remembering to shift back at the end.

Your human skin felt tight and restricting, but it always had, hadn't it? No matter, you could be yourself with your friends. And eventually you moved out, and you could be yourself at home, too. That helped a great deal, but you always had to pull all that life and color back inside yourself, put it away, when you left for the morning.

And then the pandemic struck. The dread crushed everyone. Being isolated from your friends, from the people who knew and understood the real you, was terrible. But being free to stay yourself, in not having to shift back, was an experience you'd only had in snatches up to this point. Snatches that, more and more, had been not enough.

Restrictions lessened, you began the agonizing task of shifting back and forth again...but you couldn't do it. You couldn't go back to that. You'd waited, and waited, and waited for so, so long...and you just couldn't anymore. Even though it was so risky, even though there was so much danger...you couldn't keep killing yourself every day anymore.

You made plans to flee, and the people you loved, who loved you, not the one they'd expected you to be, helped you make better plans. They gave you a place to run to. And that was even better. Because eventually, you can't shift back from who you really are.