Intrusive Thoughts

July 28, 2021

I'm having trouble. I feel really fuckin' rough today. Lately, maybe. Just really bad intrusive thoughts of "I'm worthless," "I'm useless," "I'm a fucking pile of trash," "I should just die." Which...yeah, that's been a problem since before I came out here, any time I feel the slightest guilt, shame, humiliation...getting out here, getting a job, alll that mess, I just bulled through a lot of it, and now that things are calmer, they're harder to drown out. I'm finally starting to feel okay and safe here, so yeah. Shit's boiling up, and I don't know what to do with it in this quiet.

That's one thing, but the only reliable time I don't feel that way is when I'm cuddling or messing around with Tails. Today I caught myself feeling all mad because he spent most of the day on a call with Vanessa so we didn't get much time together (or I didn't get much attention), despite that we had a date night last night, and cuddled for a good while this morning. That's not fair to him, and it's neither healthy nor okay for me to pin all of my mental health on him as a focal point.

It's hard to find other reliefs, though, so I guess the only way out is through.

I don't know how to stop feeling so useless though. I'm pretty much not, I'm doing good work at work, I'm doing okay keeping up with chores here, though I'd like to do better on both and it's a lot to keep up as well as I have...and I've still got that huge commission queue hanging over my head, and I'm not keeping up well with Zi's fluids, or giving her enough attention...but also, maybe I'm tired. Maybe I'm fuckin' exhausted. That too.