Stay Alive

July 13, 2023

Stay alive. Stay alive because I love my cats. I love my mates. Honestly, I love life, and this beautiful world we get to experience. I just also hurt a lot.

I might need to lower my availability at work again. We can't afford it, but I...I'm not doing well. I'm still better than I was in Illinois, but there's a certain danger there, and my pain, both physical and emotional, has been very high for too long.

This morning I thought for the first time about me as Gray's daddy going away forever. And...that's a horrifying thought. I don't want my boy to be alone, or just without me--in a way I think about differently when considering my mates. Maybe it's just that it's a simpler perspective to imagine. Maybe that I've been forced to conceptualize and have seriously shied away from considering, from their perspective.

I don't want to do that to them. But I also know that's not enough to get me through forever. That's a this step, and the next, but not enough to rely on forever. This is a terminal illness, and I'm determined something else kills me first. So I need strong tools in addition to that. Maybe more than what I currently have.

Things I Live For:

• My kitties
• My mates: Tails and Violet <3
• Horses
• My art
• Fun
• Adventure
• Helping
• Making things

For everything, art, writing, sewing, hobbies like gaming, always finish the evening Fit to Continue.

Might help avoid burnout/overtaxing ourself.