Gallery

Greetings and welcome to the Gallery, where all the cool illustrations hang out like they're in a club or something. If you like arts that don't move, this is the place for you!

2023 Illustrations

2023 Commission Information

Updates and Blog - 2023

Sunday, December 31, 2023 - 10:27 PM

• Wordpressing?
• 3 imprints?
• Sonic Spirit - just whatever
• Felix Fire Foundry
• Skye Spirit Studios (Flickering Wings? Idk?)

I kinda think I want to have my Studio not be my Actual Legal Name? Just seems like a doxxing threat. But I haven't had a Different name I've been operating under in ages. Like, the NSFW one I came up with in 5 seconds, and cool. Easy. I like it. Buuuut...

Except I guess I didn't, did I? I had it percolating in the background for a few years, since I was trying to write those quick and dirty shifter smut books awhile back, and wanted to brainstorm a pen name.

ALSO! In the spirit of that, and wanting to do vids and stuff, and cross promotion and all that: Doing dramatic readings of those stories on the YouTubes might be a good way to start. Like, write short stories, read them, post them, and publish (not-anthologies, the other word) of the collections. Heck, even audiobooks of the collections from the original recordings? Since I'll have the sound files ready to go? And then novels after awhile? IDK, interesting business model to keep an eye on--YouTube readings, author vids, and publishing. *shrug*

YouTube hates smut tho, so smut on its own channel? I could do 2 channels, one E-Teen, the other NSFW.

Everything goes on SonicSpirit.net, but things get cross-posted by imprint, Felix Fire or...name.

I like that, cuz it still gives me a framework for crafting and stuff. Like, it's all me, the production is all the same, it's just which imprint so you can opt in or out of SFW and NSFW. Like if you're just here for the kink, or just here for middle grade fiction, got you. And if you're here for both I ain't hiding myself, either.

Wednesday, December 13, 2023 - 11:55 PM

• AHHHH, shadowing Vickey at Garrod's today!
• She ended up having me ride in the 10am lesson
• Was not mentally prepared, but tried to vibe with it
• They put me on an Arabian! Yay!
• Ohmigods I love him
• But holy hell he's super bumpy
• Chaos, I made a fool of myself all hour
• My seat was all over the place, I apparently have a bad habit of putting my weight into my toes and need to push my legs forward and get it into my heels, and I use my hands wrong! (I also didn't use my feet to steer the way I usually do, got too in my head, horse was way narrow, and then focusing on speed in the games part of the lesson)
• Chaos, I hope Vickey isn't having second thoughts about hiring me
• But whatever, got through it
• Sat on the sidelines and watched the 11am English, tried to focus so I could apply to my own teaching
• Then home for lunch
• I'm still having second thoughts/concerned whether this is a good move: Don't want to piss off Jen and Chaparral, feeling like I'm being disloyal, and not sure whether I'm good enough/can handle it
• Fuck, I want to be good at this
• But trading one Saturday for a different Saturday doesn't seem like a good deal to me, especially in light of the "Burning goodwill at my other job," thing
• But fuuuck, won't I grow as a teacher more here?
• Either that or it'll be horrifically abusive...AGAIN
• Oh, abusive horse people? NEVER met THOSE before
• I'm scared
• In other news, no lessons in the books tomorrow, only feeding, soooo...
• Guess I'll try and make art tomorrow

The Time I Drove Across the Country 3 Times to Save My Life

Tuesday, December 12, 2023 - 4:55 PM

Okay, let's fuckin gooooo!!!

I'm seeing if I can do a blog post every day to try and get myself through more of that wall of awful brain garbage that's been gumming things up inside me. I have a lot of topics I've been wanting to talk about, and stories I've been wanting to record, and, yanno. The only way out is through.

It was my first day off I haven't shared with one of my mates in awhile, so that ended up shaping how I approached the day. I started a bit of a decluttering project, since we do have a lot of stuff with no homes right now. I'm not willing to mess with my mates' stuff, but in the two years since moving all the way out here my hyper pared-down stuff has grown, and I was definitely due for some re-organizing and looking it all over for stuff I don't want or need anymore. A big part of the project today was breaking down the variety of little caches I'd developed in a few spots in the apartment and keeping like things together, especially toys and art supplies. I have some big traditional media projects I've been gearing up for, and the more ready things are to get started, the more convenient I make my setups to hit the ground running, the more likely I am to actually do them.

Talking about that stuff was supposed to help me ease into writing about one of the more emotionally charged things I've been meaning to write about, ^_^;; but if I segue into talking about Otherkin stuff from decluttering, the post's kinda gonna feel uneven to me. So, okay, let's talk about, as I have it in my notes:

The Time I Drove Across the Country 3 Times to Save My Life

I feel guilty about looking at it as anything but a tragedy, millions of people died, and who knows how many more were permanently disabled, and so many could have been okay if the people in power hadn't been so eager to throw them to the mercies of an uncaring disease. But, selfishly, COVID saved my life.

My mental health still isn't great. There are always ups and downs, and I've been under a lot of financial stress that's been causing me to spiral in a lot of other ways again. But before COVID it was so, so much worse. I wasn't still living with my abusive parents at the time, but I was working for them, and still beholden to them socially and financially. And I was...loosing resiliency. Going to cons and spending time with my friends wasn't...well, if wasn't enough to offset how the rest of it was wearing on me, dealing with my abusers, doing a job I hated and where I constantly felt like I was failing, and I was losing ground. I'd been suicidal for years and years, and I didn't think I had much fight left in me. I'd also been trying to escape, with interruptions to triage myself to keep functioning, for even longer. I was tired, and I was getting desperate.

COVID bought me more time.

Everything going into shutdown was bad. And let me be perfectly clear, shutting down was the right thing to happen, there were so, so many people who should not have died. But for the first time in ten years, I got some distance from my abusive parents. I didn't have to go into a job and see them all the time, I didn't have to go over to their house and play nice and cow-tow to them every week.

For the first time in so, so long, I got a reprieve.

It was still hard, I missed my friends, and the stress of living under the threat of a pandemic was huge. But I finally started to be able to put myself back together again. Just a little bit. And that made all the difference in the world.

And then, in the heart of all this uncertainty, one of my really, really good friends who I'd fallen out of contact with a few years prior reached out, and we reconnected. We talked, and talked, and one thing led to another, and eventually we started dating.

My parents had eroded most of the COVID protections at my job by this time, having us back working in the office, opening the office to the public, and things were quickly becoming untenable for me again. My friends, in person and long distance, did their best to help. As much as I would let them see how deeply I was struggling.

Then came the Thanksgiving trip.

I'd been very resistant to flying to Florida with my family in the Thanksgiving of a pandemic. But my mom had bartered with me. If I went on this trip, they wouldn't force me into going on the Christmas trip. -_- And how could I say no to a deal like that. Look, I didn't have many options, and again, I was beholden to them. I could only fight so hard. So, I went. And it was worse than I had even expected.

Never masking in a state with abysmal infection numbers, never taking advantage of outside seating at restaurants, eating out for every meal was bad enough. The endless refrain of Fox News and fascistic dogwhistles put me over the edge. I knew they wanted who I really was dead. But...living inside it...I was done. I needed to escape, by any means necessary. My friends were alarmed and rightly so. I redoubled my efforts to find another job as means of escape, and determined I would not do this ever again. I would give myself a deadline to get out.

When my relationship started with my mate, I changed my focus to jobs in the San Jose area. And in February, I finally had an opportunity. Two jobs wanted me to come in and interview, and I'd already blocked out a long weekend for that year's virtual FurSquared con. Instead, I loaded myself and my 16-year-old kidney diseased kitty, and everything I though I couldn't do without in case I decided to simply never come back, and drove the 3,000 miles from Illinois to California in 3 days.

It was ROUGH. I didn't give myself a very reasonable timeline to get there, and driving 10-hour or more days, going from cat-friendly hotel to cat-friendly hotel was A Lot. Giving Zi her subcutaneous fluids in hotel rooms was a wild experience. But eventually, we made it. I met up with my mate, changed clothes and ran out for an interview...^_^;; which I actually missed because I'd taken too long to get there. But spending the night with my mate and their partner, feeling safe with them...they offered to let me stay, and I tearfully admitted that I didn't want to leave.

I almost just stayed. I wanted to, badly. But I still had a house to get out from under, and I needed to go back and sell it. I went to the second interview, where neither of us impressed one another, and drove Zi and myself back, escape plan in gear.

My house was a horrifically cluttered mess when I called the realtor who'd helped me buy it and asked him to help me sell, but he was still generous when he came by to talk with me. The market was good, he told me, and places were getting sold even before they were properly listed. I signed the papers, and started getting to work on paring everything down and packing.

It quickly became clear that storage or moving things or Uhauls would be prohibitively expensive for me, easily over $1,000 for the cheapest options. Since I would be moving without a job set up, and without any form of income when I left, the only reasonable option was to only bring what I could fit in my car, and donate or sell the rest. It was hard, emotional work, and I had to make a lot of hard decisions (and a lot of use of Facebook Marketplace for the first time), but I made it happen, and by mid April, I finally left.

I had a celebratory going away party the night before leaving, where we drank and had fun, and enjoyed one another's company. And then my friends came and helped me with the last of the junk I hadn't managed to get through the next morning. They held me while I had a panic attack over telling my parents I was leaving, and helped me to be able to go.

In the end, the people who really knew me, who really loved me, saved me.

Finally, I headed out with Zi, deciding to drive...less stupid hours this time. I limited myself to 8 hour driving days, and just did a few more days. Memorably, one morning when I was trying to get us out the door and checked out, I couldn't find Zi. I searched that hotel room for my kitty for a good half hour before I finally found her--she'd somehow managed to open a drawer, climb inside, and shut herself in!

I'd expected to feel freed, relieved. I'd expected to feel a weight off myself immediately. But mostly, what I'd felt at first was numb grief. I was so tired. I was glad to be going, excited to be with people I loved. But I still felt bad. Everything they would have thought of the situation echoed in my mind, and it hurt. I knew I was right to go. I knew there was no way they'd ever stop hurting me. I knew I needed to get away. But their words, of how selfish I was, echoed inside me.

It's still hard sometimes. Abuse echoes still. But I'm so, so fucking relieved to be out. And so, so fucking grateful to be with my partners.

Monday, December 11, 2023 - 11:45 PM

I'm not gonna separate myself into little bits for consumption.

I'm a person, not a charcuterie board.

So Otherkin stuff, trans stuff, art stuff, horse stuff, stuff about my kitties, and even kink stuff is gonna end up here.

I have a pretty bad wall of awful (here and here) around writing down my thoughts to share. I'm always meaning to write stuff, and then bouncing off, because of self doubt. But I want to work through it, and actually make it happen, and in the process, work through some of the shit that's been getting in my way.

Sunday, December 10, 2023 -11:40 PM

Working as a horseback riding instructor, I walk a lot at my job. Enough that I pretty reliably consider my hard days to be 11 mile days. "Man, this day kicked my ass! How far did I walk? 11 miles? Oh." or, "Man, today was rough! And I only walked 5 miles!" Today was a 12 mile day. Like, mostly it wasn't bad, it was just hard. But still. Fuck!

Shockingly for me, I was actually on time for once, but we were pretty low on food this morning, so while I ate, I didn't get nearly enough. This will play into things later. But yeah, I was on time, got things ready for the morning round of lessons, and tried to plan my day. I had an hour gap in the schedule that I planned to use to eat and switch over horses before the round of afternoon classes, and felt pretty ready to begin.

The first two lessons went great, Sizzle was her usual stellar self, and one of the students I'd even taught before when I covered Sunday a few weeks ago! He's an awesome, smart as hell kid who asks great questions and tries his heart out! I'd forgotten the kiddy stirrups at first, and had to literally run to the tack room to get them, but that's okay. The other was a kid who wanted to eventually learn to jump, though she was a bit leery of trotting in the end of the lesson (I was a bit surprised to hear a kid who'd just declined to trot tell me she wanted to jump!)

So everything went smoothly, and the morning classes were in the bag. Addy was floating around tooling around on Maggie and stuff, but whatever, they're doing me a favor giving me more hours when I'm desperate for money, I ain't gonna winge.

At about 12:20 I hopped in the car to go nab lunch. When I had a lesson coming up at 1pm, and needed to prepare 4 horses for the next volley of classes because I had a 2 person English and a 2 person Western in my 2pm and 3pm slots. And the place I went was 10 minutes away. Yeah, I got back at 1 pm on the dot. FUCKIN' WHOOPS!

So I blow in, saddle Ollie, who Addy had said the 1pm regular rode, and got the rider on as fast as I literally could. Full thing in 5-10 minutes. Yay, but also, fuck. Except once I got the kid in the saddle I realized I'd forgotten the GODS DAMNED KIDDIE STIRRUPS. So I leave him in the saddle and RUN to the tack room. Now I was running about 15 minutes behind. And, of course, Ollie was being his usual butt-self. Like, he's a good horse, and he's a butt. And the kid, while doing his best, did not have the seat or skill yet to deal with Ollie's butt-ness.

The theme for the day also quickly became "None of these kids can post yet," for all the Western lessons, so I had A Lot of kids stand their trot so they could get the experience and start building their strength without hurting my horses' backs.

The English lesson kids at 2pm were, of course, early. So I boot 1pm kid off Ollie as close to Correct End Time as I can, drag his butt over to the tack room to switch out his saddle to an English saddle, drag him back to tie him next to the arena, assign my riders to their horses, run and grab Joy, give her the shittiest brush down in the history of EVER, and start frantically trying to piece together a second set of English tack for her. Because, of course, we have three other English saddles, an intact girth, and a horrifically mouse-mangled girth, BUT none of them had stirrup leathers or irons. FUCK.

Both spare girths were long as hell, and I knew from experience another day that they DID NOT fit Ollie, but Joy's wider, so I had 5 doubts, but some hope. I put the fleecy dressage blanket on her, because it was the only one left in the tack room, and then this mostly complete English saddle on her, trying desperately to try and make it less obvious that I had a jumping saddle over a dressage blanket. I then attach the intact girth, and lo and behold, this might just be good enough to work! I start casting around desperately for a set of stirrups, and grab the set that had been wrapped around Cass' saddle horn as impromptu kiddie stirrups! Oh holy chaos, it was even a complete set! The leathers looked absurdly short to me, but I slotted them in place, and decided to give it a try.

Now all I needed was a bridle. Last I checked, we'd only had one English bridle. So I grabbed Joy's Western bridle and dragged her over to the arena. I checked the office in one more last-ditch effort to locate a snaffle bridle, but no dice. Well, okay, then. Leverage bit for an English rider it would be.

I tell Joy's rider the deal, let her know Joy has a leverage bit in her mouth so she'll have to be extra careful with her hands, and, finally, bring my students and their horses into the arena. Joy looks surprisingly natural in English tack. And it's only...2:30. Fuck. Well, okay, we'll run long for this class and next, and I'll hay in the dark. Again. I'm experienced at being late.

Joy and Ollie were Joy and Ollie. Ollie wanted to charge ahead of Joy, but got worried when he got too far ahead of her. Both English riders had good seats and solid experience, though, so while they were very challenged, they did fine.

I staked out some of the ground poles, and had them do some pattern work over them. Well...it was meant to be a serpentine, but some stuff got lost in my explanation and it turned into a C. Whatever. They had the challenge of trotting the yahoos over poles, and it was mostly okay, as they worked on putting together getting these particular horses to trot and stay trotting (and consistent, since Ollie is apparently allergic to going one speed)...and then Joy decided to full-on jump a ground pole. Because of course she did. Her rider sat it fine, but was understandably spooked. Honestly, possibly more by the three strides of canter after the hop over the big scary pole than anything else. She was pretty emotionally done after that, and offered twice to dismount early. The second time was after I'd commented to Joy that I would need to school her. So I did switch her off and get on the little mare, demonstrating a bit of how exaggerated you sometimes end up needing to be with your hands as Joy tossed her head up like she was going to rear on me. Oh, Joy. (Chaos, and Brooke was right there. I really hope what I think I know is actually anything, and that I didn't make a complete and total ass of myself in front of my new friend and a cool trainer I admire. Also that I wasn't giving my poor student bad information. I'm not a show rider and never have been, and there's worlds of different things to know.)

So, we end the English lesson and NOW it's time to change saddles again! Fortunately Joy's rider knows her way around an English saddle enough to help, and while I switch Ollie back over she untacks Joy. Because FUCK IF I'M GRABBING TWO FRESH HORSES AT THIS POINT. I WILL JUST SUFFER, INSTEAD.

Switchover happening, yay, and I get my fresh, new, starry-eyed students aboard, one for whom this is their second lesson and the other for whom it was the first, and I even remembered the kiddy stirrups this time--GODS FUCKING DAMNIT, THIS ONE IS FOR LITERAL BABIES!!! So I leave my first-timer student sitting on Ollie in the middle of the arena and run back to the tack room, again, to see if I can find a second set of actually useful kiddy stirrups or if I'm taking the English ones back off. Fortunately, there's a set on Sonny's saddle, so I grab that and run again back to the arena.

So Ollie's rider is on, and I load up Joy's rider. Huzzah, now it's just time for the lesson. Buuut Joy and Ollie's riders were having trouble. Ollie and Joy didn't want to track around the arena, and their riders didn't have the skills yet to steer them well enough or keep them moving. We kept trying, I kept coaching, but we weren't having any luck. Okay, this happens sometimes. So I start walking around the arena, and the horses follow me. I'm hoping that after a few laps the horses will be willing to be more independent. NO SUCH LUCK. Okay, guess I'll walk forever.

We keep going. Every time I try and peel away, the riders get stuck. Stuck by the gate, stuck by a barrel, stuck on the mounting blocks. Finally, at the end of the lesson I have them trot...and Joy decides to toss her head up and offer to rear. Each time. Great. So, since I'm running with anyway, I grab her halter and pull her head down. Again, and again, and again.

But finally we finish the time, get everybody off and untacked, and I put Joy and Ollie away. Finally I'm ready to feed.

And the kabota is empty. Okay, cool. I load up my hay and start delivering. Didn't one boarder say her horse's feeding was changed while I was racing to switch over to the English saddles? Well, whatever, hopefully the info's up by the stall. It was not.

But I finish up and finally head home. 12 mile day, bro.

Thursday, December 7, 2023

Dreams/sorta nightmares last night.

Dreamt I was in college as an art major again. First part of the dream, me and Robin were on a campus baseball team that gave me Futurama Blurnsball vibes. We were competing in like the finals or championship, or something, in a game that had stretched over three days of nonstop play with no scores on the board. We weren't actually a good team, Robin was our only decent player, but we'd lucked into the position and the other team wasn't very good either. So maybe we both were emblematic of the group.

So three days, no scores, and Robin was breaking down over not being able to carry the team, as the only one who'd come close to scoring--several times having very nearly hit a home run, but having drilled the backstop each time instead. I was trying to get them to try less hard when we finally lost the game.

I immediately had to run to a Final, it being a critique for one of my studio classes. It was some sort of group work thing, and we had the first hour to unite our elements, or something, and put the final touches on. Then we had to hang our pieces for critique. Our teacher was getting annoyed at how long the hanging process was taking, so I helped everyone load all the pieces into cheap poster frames, which the teacher side-eyed, but didn't comment on.

Cut to the critiques being over and everyone taking their pieces down and out of the cheap frames, and oh no, the antipasto on this colored pencil work has been crushed, and these pieces are ruined! So the teacher demands to know who's responsible for this, and whose dumbass idea it was to improperly frame all these pieces. So I step forward and take responsibility like, "It's me, it's my fault, I was trying to help and I messed up." And they demanded to know why I helped with all these teams, didn't I have my own work to do, and I told them no, my group's piece had already been up and done, and teacher had been angry about how long getting all these (complex) pieces up was taking, so I'd gone around the room offering to help. And they did the sputter and say it wasn't my responsibility, it was theirs, thing, and I was all like, yeah, it was, I know, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone's projects, I messed up. And they didn't really have a response to that.

About then I woke up, and spun about how I should've used mats on all the pieces and how that might've saved them, but like...No? This really wasn't my problem? Like, I tried to help, but I was never taught how to do a thing, in this case that there's extra steps that must be taken when framing pieces like these and the authority figure whose job that was had been too pissy about the speed at which a thing was being done to attend how it was being handles. So yeah, fuck them.

I think the moral of the story then is that I'm putting too much pressure on myself to handle too much, and that I need to let go on much of it.

Friday, November 24, 2023 - 9:05 PM

AAAAAHHHHHHH-HA-HA-HA-HA...! WEEELLLLLLL...! If I'd known I'd be working a camp day today I would've made some very different choices last night! Namely, I probably wouldn't have drunk almost an entire bottle of wine by myself...!

So...! Yeah! Yesterday was nice, I made shepherd's pie (technically cottage pie cuz nope, not paying extra for lamb...!) for Thanksgiving, had a lovely day with my mates, and it was super nice! Also I drank an entire bottle of red wine, minus the cup that went into the shepherd's pie, by myself. We hung out, watched Voyager, and just had a nice, chill day together. Went to bed late, because though I was scheduled to work today, there was nothing in the schedule, so I figured I'd roll up this afternoon and do barn chores.

Fast forward to 7am this morning, when I'm woken by a call from my boss. "Whoops! Did I forget to tell you that we have a Thanksgiving Break camp today? Yeah, you need to go get there and get the horses ready and check in the campers by 9!" Feck! Yeah, no, no one told me. So I shove my shit to work, catch the horses, get them tacked up as quick as possible, and contemplate whether I'll be upchucking the entire contents of my insides soon. Fortunately, trailering the horses from the pastures we keep them in to the park we do lessons and stuff out of gave me long enough sitting and not moving too much to get over the worst of that.

Fortunately, there were only 3 kids. 9am to 2pm is still a pretty long time to babysit alone, but at least I had horses to entertain them with. My boss had given me the go-ahead to let them ride twice, so I was able to let them know we'd do lessons before and after lunch, and we were able to fill the rest of the time with visiting the pond and meeting some probably abandoned pet ducks, graining, watering, and cleaning up after the horses, and them grooming the horses, on top of snack and lunch. So it all worked out.

They liked me, and I certainly don't think that they were the "little monsters" A described them as, though the two older ones did have an adversarial best friend dynamic I didn't love, and one was pretty demanding and liked to play the why game, even though she's a bit old for it. Look, kid, don't ask me about why we stand when the horses pee while we're riding them if you don't want to know the answer! But overall they were fine and did well. A hadn't let them trot Wednesday, and we didn't have a camp session yesterday, cuz national holiday, and I didn't quite realize how far behind where I'd expected them to be, so we did a lot of back-tracking in the first lesson to get them up to speed after the first round of "What the fuck is happening right now," trotting.

We started the second lesson with a short trail ride, where I climbed on Lucky to lead them on the 20 minute trail. Buuut I'd also brought Milly, because I like her and will take any excuse to do something with her (I'd already hopped on and used her as a demo horse in the morning lesson), but I didn't trust her on the trail. So we head out, hear her crying, I feel bad for having her stuck alone, and then the whinny is louder than it should be. Nearer. We look behind us, and there Milly is, bringing up the rear of our little trail ride and looking very pleased with having untied herself. So, I swung off and ponied her from Lucky's back the rest of the way out and back. She did fine! And I liked having her on there, honestly. ^_^ Gives me a good way to trust her more on a trail. I'd really like to take her on trails, myself. Fuck, I'm in so much trouble with that horse.

Wednesday, November 22, 2023 - 5:53 PM

WUFF. Today was rough. I was set to work at SF today, since they're short-handed and doing a Thanksgiving Break camp this week, so not only was I supposed to get there an hour early, at 8am, buuuut my commute was an hour fifteen on top of that. Yeaaaaah, and I'm chronically late. Which is not good.

And thennn...! the gas light came on in my car. Well, fuck. Can I get there, at least? Nah. Cool. Cool, cool. Plus I'm epic levels of broke, because apparently, we are in our off season at the horse riding stables I work at, and I've had waaaaaay too many work days with zero or just one or two lessons scheduled, and I am fuckin' dying.

But I did have $9 of actual cash money on me from tips, so I poured that into the gas tank, and it got me there, at least. A half hour late, between my own natural lateness and the gas-buying adventure, but still.

Work was fine. Well. Yanno. Fine. The people I was working with were also mutually late, The One With The Keys had car trouble, and the other one who was trekking out there because she doesn't usually work out there was also running behind. But eventually we got in, got the horses ready and kids checked in, and away we went. The day itself was chill, nothing to write home about, and I even got to leave early. Which is a mixed blessing in my financial situation, but given it's also my mate's birthday, I will TAKE having the extra energy for the thing!

Of course, the question of getting enough gas to get home still loomed. Eventually, I ended up shuffling around a couple dollars between two checking accounts and transferred an $11 balance I'd left in my PayPal so it couldn't get eaten by overdraft fees so I could buy a whole $15 of gas. But hey! It filled my tank a quarter of the way and got me home!

Yeah, shit's been hard. Better than it's ever been, since I'm not living with my abusers or in an abusive educational program for the first time in my life, doing a job I love and living with my wonderful, beautiful mates and our adorable kitties, but still hard.

TW Spiders

Saturday, November 18, 2023 - 10:44 PM

Look! Look! It's a ranch rancho!

It's a tarantula! A Rancho! On our ranch! With Bella's hooves for reference! Big leggy boi!

Friday, November 17, 2023 - 9:26 PM

Okay, yeah, let's jot down notes about yesterday rq.

• Yesterday was my first day at RAS
• Panicking beforehand because when I checked the schedule last Wednesday it had Monday and Tuesday crossed out for me, but when I checked THIS Wednesday, WHOOPS, APPARENTLY I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE AFTER ALL, WHEN'D THAT GET CHANGED?
• But whatever, they said it was okay when I emailed about it
• Stressed waiting to leave all day, when time comes I realize there's a crotch rip in my only clean jeans
• RIIIIP. I fix it, but now I'm very close to late
• Find the school, find the parking, go to the office, they point me to the entrance
• So far, so good
• Get quickly spieled, they send me over to the 5th grade class, where all the Educators keep washing out
• Oh no, 5th grade. 5th grade was the WORST.
• Remember all that training about ratios? FORGET IT. Remember about "Never be alone with students"? FORGET IT, one teacher with 18 kids, and usually there's 31.
• The kids were cool, but rowdy as hell, one boy flat out leapt on another and started whaling on him while they were playing soccer. Yeah, broke that up. Again, good kids, just rowdy as hell. Started raining, so we had to bring them back inside the classroom. The depressing, stuffy, windowless dirge of a classroom
• It was crowded as hell with 18 kids, I can't IMAGINE 31!
• LOUD. SO LOUD. Static started building in my head, and I couldn't parse words. Like, my audio processing is always bad, but hell. Focus in that!? Are you kidding!?
• My trainer started a game of Bingo. I went over to the side of the room where the kids that weren't playing, the rowdy ones, were.
• One of the boys had a bottle of cologne in his backpack. Fuck.
• They, predictably, started spraying themselves with it. Not in a way I could stop, soooooo...yeah. Whee, horrific migraine triggers.
• So yeah, it was...rough. Even before that I was coming to realize I can't do this. I'm too neurodivergent for this. I like the kids, but...I can't do this.

Monday, November 13, 2023 - 10:10 PM

Hokay! So! I reduced my Vimeo account down to a free Basic account, and that went into effect today. I loved having the paid benefits, mostly the ability to replace a video upload so that I could have one link to send out for the master uploads for It Doesn't Matter, and the increased storage limits, but I don't $240 a year love them. Unfortunately, the free Vimeo storage is limited to 5GB so I did have to go through and purge a lot of videos of the shot-by-shot uploads, currently only the sequence 17 shots are up. Probably going forward I'll host the shots through YouTube, since...it's the same.

Honestly, I'm a bit disillusioned with Vimeo, they didn't make it easy to cancel. Okay, lemme get into it, actually. So, my account was set to renew in September, I didn't have enough funds so the autodraft didn't go through. No big deal. So, I saw that, and needed to decide if I was going to scrape the money together to continue the Pro account or not, and according to the emails and the dumb little banner Vimeo put up on my page every time I logged in I had until, heh, today, November 13, as it happens, to make that decision.

...EXCEPT. The autodraft went through on my birthday, November 8. So THAT was a pain in the ass. So that autodraft happening just on its own anyway helped make my decision for me. Because no, fuck that. Had it been trying to ping my my account constantly this whole time? What the fuck. So I went in to shut the account down. And it would let me stop it from renewing again in 2024. But it wouldn't let me downgrade my account mid-term without submitting a service ticket. Which I hate. So I submitted that ticket, email back and forth with the guy, assert that I understand I won't have the extra space and services from the Pro membership anymore. But yeah. That's where I am with that, and why I ended up going where I'm going with the Vimeo thing. Which sucks, I really liked Vimeo, but that whole thing set off some alarm bells for me, and yeah, gonna be approaching posting differently.

Monday, November 13, 2023 - 10:56 PM

Rar! I wanna start streaming SSO (Star Stable Online) some more again!

Should I? No. Will I? I'm not totally sure.

So like, part of why I want to stream it is to sorta archive the experience. Because holy CHAOS, does it get fully buck-wild sometimes. But I'm through pretty much all the current main story on my main account. And paying $80 for a game AGAIN would be so many levels of extra stupid right now.

I dunno. Maybe I'll stream my main account some sometime. And be truly embarrassed by the amount of time and effort I've pumped into my full stable of fully leveled horses.

Sunday, November 5, 2023 - 5:46 PM

Blurgh. Spinning so hard on horses and blogging and crafting right now. So let's scratch the blogging itch a little, anyway.

Chaos, I want a horse of my own. Riding the lesson horses, particularly exercising the horses that aren't getting enough use as we get the new location running has been good, buuuut it's not quite scratching the same itch. Partially cuz I don't super feel like I'm learning/growing very much doing so (and I'm always second-guessing myself. Not like that will change much), and partially...not feeling like I'm getting a lot out of doing it? Which I'm p conflicted about. Wheee.

I'm so, so damn thirsty to try Endurance--Competitive Trail Riding really, but chaos. I want the community, the fun, the challenge. Ever since talking w/ A last week about her students' results at the show that weekend I've been burning to compete. I want to grow, and learn, and again, I want community. I want to have fun, I want friends. Heh, I guess I want it to also be a hobby.

Not a smart move to taunt myself with this, but I did check the local listings and came across a for a 13 year old Arabian gelding for lease for $300 per month, which...urgh, I want to do the things! I'm so broke, I can't even, but stilllll...It's tantalizing.

And then watching the crafting drama channel Emma in the Moment's vids is making me want to sell crafts. Chaos. I have crafts I want to make, after all. It'd be super cool to do those.

So then my dumb brain is all, "And then I can fund my horsing with craft sales! It'll be perfect!" Like running up a crafting business AND my jobs AND anything else that goes with having a life wouldn't be incredibly time consuming, and probably each block out each other. But regardless, brain still go brrrr...

Tuesday, October 3, 2023 - 11:55 AM

I don't have to be the best. I can just be good. That's enough. That's okay. I've always been so concerned with being the best, or becoming the best. Not in competing, since I've always seen that as a waste of energy I should instead spend on perfecting my craft, but feeling the internal expectation of greatness. In assuming that I Must Be Of The Best, and that falling short of that level was a failure on my part.

But it's okay to just be good at something. It's okay if being the best at it you can be isn't upper tier in the industry, or whatever other parameter arbitrarily chosen to measure against. It's okay. Yes, I'll have more resources to grow my skills by just focusing on growing my skills, and not concerning myself with measuring it against the arbitrary standards I have been--of looking at the way a piece is rendered and knowing I cannot do that, or crafting storyboards as well as I can manage and not being able to execute a more than a, to my eyes, basic sequence. I don't need to become a competition level rider, or trainer, or teacher. It's okay that I'm good at getting beginner students started and that my primary concern as a teacher has been to make them comfortable so that they can keep trying.

I don't have to be the best. It's enough to just be okay.

Tuesday, September 26, 2023

Dear Sonic,

I love you so much. We are working so hard, and it’s tough. But I’m so fucking proud of you. I know, it’s so, so damn hard. It feels impossible sometimes. Especially since…it’s never gonna be okay. But even if it can’t be great, it can still be /good/, and you’re working so damn hard, and doing so damn well to try and get there. I know you’re hurting and scared. But you are not alone, and I and your mates love you so much. Thank you so much for getting us free, and away from our abusers. It was hard, and I know how hard you had to push to keep from giving up. Thank you for fighting. Thank you for working so hard to learn to rest, and putting the hard work in to heal. I know we’re still recovering, and we’ll always have scars, but you’ve done so well, and we’ve come so far.

I love you so much. Thank you for keeping going.

Love (again), Sonic

Saturday, September 23, 2023 - 11:34 AM

Don't feel good. Nightmares this morning, woke with a bit of a migraine. Took Excedrin and Advil, and it's better, but still feel the hangover of both. And the near panic attack of realizing that I can't call in sick, because I can't afford to miss out on the hours. I'm already strapped and in a bad way.

Probably gonna cover for (OR end up working with) Adrianna again tomorrow to pick up some more hours. But even with everything...I'm so fuckin' tired.

Stresssss...

Nauseous. I probably need to keep my personal rule that if I throw up, I go home, but...chaos. I don't know that I'll protect that boundary. Between feeling like the expectation is to work through it or be seen as weak and incompetent, and having days I work alone and have things that need doing, like feeding the horses...

I guess bent is better than broken, and planning now, saying, "If this happens, I will bounce on lessons but feed to the best of my abilities," is better than nothing. But...ugh. I don't feel good.

Dread at going in tomorrow. So tired.

Tuesday, September 12, 2023 - 12:57 AM

It feels weird to have a headcannon about yourself? But I have a headcannon about myself? Headcannon feels like a wrong way to phrase it, but also I don't have a better way to put it.

So, some Mobians are born with powers (I usually go with 20% of Mobians and about 10% of humans, though there could be sampling bias (and also these percentages are pulled directly out of my anus)). And naturally there's a need to make sure all these super powered kids are able to not hurt themselves or anyone else with these powers, so powered kits go to a special preschool to help them with those particular struggles.

And then...the things that happen in It Doesn't Matter happen. (Oh yeah! I put the scripts so far up on my AO3 last week, so you can actually see some of what I'm talking about instead of there being just a void where context should be!) And suddenly people end up transforming into Mobians, and developing powers, and the perception filter will do some of the heavy lifting, buuut, it won't do all of it. So there ends up being a hole in support where powered kids are being born and there aren't any structures in place that can help them get their powers under them.

And I think that if shit could CALM THE FUCK DOWN FOR FIVE FUCKIN' SECONDS I'd be super down and like, actually pretty good at helping kits out with that. Sonic's Xavier School, bet better.

Yeah, shit gets weird because this is my parallel life and...it's just so much to just talk about.

Anyway, over here I've been teaching mostly kids but also some adults and doing pretty damn rad at it, so I'm starting to think this "headcannon" holds more water than I originally thought when it first occurred to me.

Monday, September 11, 2023 - 2:39 PM

So I spent like, 12 hours or more (stopping around 2 am) back-filling journal entries into the blog yesterday, soooo, there's a lot more stuff there now! Some of it was stuff I wrote musing to myself (often at work), some with the intention of posting and never got around to it--either because I was intending to add to it, or run it through another round of editing--and some I didn't, but I'm okay with posting now, couched in other posts giving them context, and not in a situation where they're being put front and center. Like, I wouldn't post them to my Tumblr, or anything, but I'm aight with sharing in general...now.

I should maybe figure out some sort of content warning flag at the top for some of the spicier posts.

Sunday, September 10, 2023

Capitalism is ruining the internet. In lots of ways, but today's grievance:

I just wanted to know if I'm the only trans boy who wants to wear a vaginal plug just around, and enjoy the fullness while just doing things in life. And I'm not, but I had to put up with legions of non-relevant search results and install the Reddit app (I hate Reddit), to end up on a sex toy seller's page with a review sharing my interest and experience. And that sucks.

The internet, in its essence, is a communication tool connecting people. But that communication is getting more and more degraded as companies chop it up, turn it into a place where we are speculators rather than participants, marks to be sold to, chaff to be processed. "The internet is for porn," was a silly mantra, but it was also kinda true. The internet had many, many places people had set up to share and talk about the things they found sexy. But more and more, puritanism and Finance are invading and restricting sharing and access. And it's not even that things are behind paywalls, though that's also a palpable presence. Credit card processors crack down on NSFW content, and start squeezing sites to restrict what they host to those processors' stipulations.

And the arguments for why don't hold water. None of it actually protects anyone, and vulnerable communities are put in more danger, as our very existence is up for "political debate". Like, sorry, no, we as trans people deserve to be alive, and your restrictions on us receiving healthcare or even being acknowledged as existing around minors are fucking goulish. Disabilities make work/finding a job/keeping a job/financial stability in general difficult to even impossible, and are fucking expensive in the first place, and many disabled individuals turn to sex work. And there's nothing about sex work that actually makes it more exploitative or demeaning than "regular" work. But demonizing it, making it harder for sex workers to find clients and communicate with one another to help keep each other safe puts them in so much more danger. The fear mongering and pearl clutching around trafficked individuals being coerced into sex work doesn't help those trafficked victims, in fact it boxes them in and makes them less safe, grants them fewer paths to escape or protection from abuse, AND it presses those who weren't coerced into tighter corners and worse situations. It gives more strength to pimps, and keeps the money, power, and freedom out of the hands of the people who need it.

And oh, "If I were in a bad Situation, I would simply Not Be a Sex Worker," except, brainiac, there's no fuckin social safety net. This garbage capitalist system is working exactly as designed, work or be homeless, work or don't eat, work or don't get the medicine you can't live without, work or just fucking die. Sick? TOO BAD. Injured? TOO BAD. Chronic pain? TOO BAD. "Stop being weak, clearly you deserve to die, if you just can't cut it." That's the message we all hear, loud and clear, every fucking day.

And none if it has to be this way! There is no reason for any of it. We have enough. We have plenty. Literal tons of food tossed into the ocean to keep prices up, while people literally starve. Homes kept absolutely fucking empty at an appalling scale while people live homeless. It's disgusting, and it's totally avoidable. All this scarcity is entirely manufactured. We have enough. We have more than enough. And it can be so much better. But we need to tear down the structures keeping us apart, keeping us weak, keeping us tired, and starving, and in fear. Because those structures of power are our enemy. Because whether we fight or are compliant , they'll kill us either way.

Saturday, September 9, 2023

I really thought I was better. I really thought I'd made a breakthrough. I knew I'd still struggle, but...I didn't think it'd be right back to the same again so soon.

It's not quite the same. It is still better. But having the same thoughts about being worthless and useless so soon, within a half hour of being back at my regular day job, of having the knee-jerk thought "I should kill myself," when the pain in my ankles or migraine hammered harder, and not having a way to diffuse the thoughts, not having them respond and dissolve the way I expected to "I'm perfect," "I'm good."

Looking at all that, remembering how hard it was to sleep last night for the migraine pain, I know, I know that a lot of that is just...pain.

But it still fuckin' hurts. And I hate it.

September 8, 2023 - 10.58 AM

Holy chaos, I just replied to a PM for the first time in literally years, and it actually felt good? But I'm vibrating and tired and aagggghhhh! now. <3

September 7, 2023 - 10:00 PM

It's been a weird, hard past two weeks, with no sign it'll change in the next month or so. I won't be getting much of a paycheck for this period, since we haven't had anything in the books, both because it's the slow season and because I'm scheduled to work at the new location we only just opened. It's not bad, but it is weird and scary. I started pivoting to opening my commissions again, to help myself get afloat. And last night I had wild dreams after waking up from some intestinal distress.

They started like most of my nightmares the past couple years: With my trying to escape from living with my parents again. This time, though, unlike most nights, I slept long enough to get through the escape itself, and to get out. To get to the part of the dream where I was out and realized I was free. And I think that's a lot of what I needed to hit the next level of my recovery, what I needed to actually process that, yeah. I'm free. I'm out, and I'm free. And even though things are hard, I'm safe. They're not falling apart. I'm not trapped, I'm not unsafe. In fact, I'm still safer than I've ever been. And it's not gonna change. I'm not gonna suddenly be unsafe living here, I'm not suddenly going to be berated or hit because I didn't do a chore, or because I said something wrong.

I'm okay. And I'm free. I can get better, but that's not what I have to be. Because I'm already good. And that's...fucking amazing.

September 6, 2023

Okay, let's do this. I think I'm finally good to open commissions again, sooo, first step: Updated price sheet!

August 30, 2023

Nnnnnf. Writing is hard, and writing about how writing is hard is hard, and writing about how a specific writing is particularly hard is also hard.

But hey, apparently I'm choosing to do this instead of writing the initial thing that's hard.

I've been working on an animation project called It Doesn't Matter since shortly before my Awakening as Sonic--shortly before, because as It Doesn't Matter lightly depicts itself, I'd swung the other way and insisted (to myself) that I couldn't be Sonic, that of course I must be Amy instead. Yeah...it's pretty hilarious in retrospect.

I love working on It Doesn't Matter. I love telling my story, and figuring out how to show it all, and using writing it all as a focus to feel like myself, especially since that last part is so fucking hard to do in this world/life/under fucking capitalism/with disabilities/with chronic pain.

Buuuut...it's kinda a double-edged sword. Because sometimes connecting there makes it hurt more.

Currently, the Zone (episode) I've been working on writing starts with...well, this:

Sonic grumbles and rolls over. He cracks an eye open, and pulls a paw over said eye to block the morning light. He curls tighter for a moment before relaxing. He sighs, opening one eye, then the other, his gaze falling on his furry forearm. He stares at it in transfixed wonder, running a gloved finger over the fur. He sits up, taking in the rest of himself, running his paws over his strong, blue legs.

SONIC (v.o.)
It's still...amazing, to wake up as myself. Even after a few days, I'm still not used to it. I don't want to get used to it. Waking up to this rediscovering of myself is almost like a little transformation all over again--though a lot calmer. Times like this, it all just hits me. How good it feels. How right. I'm myself for the first time in my life. The weight, the tension, the feeling of wrongness, it's more than just gone, it's been replaced by something so much better.

He hugs himself.

SONIC (v.o.)
I just feel so...amazing.

It's a moment I absolutely want to include, cuz hey, I love transformation stuff, I love post-transformation stuff, and I think this sort of stuff is important to include to the story.

But it hurts to read. And it's right at the start of the Zone, so I see it every time I open the tab, and...it hurts. It hurts to read, it hurts to try and get started, it just hurts.

August 30, 2023

I want 3 horses. One for me, one for each of my mates. I can do the everyday chores and training, and then we could do trail rides and stuff together, and I can teach my mates to ride.

^_^ I can have the spicy one <3

August 28, 2023

Hahaha...anxiety is so fucking weird.

I crave connection and community, and I want to make things, write things, draw things, tell stories...AND ALSO I completely freeze at online interaction. Comments, PMs, fuuuuck, I just fucking freeze up. I don't know if it's that I don't feel that as much IRL, or that the urgency of in-person interaction just forces me to bluff through, and in doing so I don't have the time to freak myself out so hard. I don't know. Maybe it's that, maybe it's from trauma, idk. But it hella sucks.

August 19, 2023

Stop saying "religion" when you mean "christianity".

Fuck christianity.

August 16, 2023

Fucking BLAZED through the 12 chapters currently posted of If You Give a Bat a Burger the past few days. Because it's amazing, and I love Danny Phantom x DC crossovers. And, look, I didn't REALIZE I was sleeping on it, I THOUGHT I'D ALREADY READ IT. But I hadn't. So I got to have fun.

Context: I've been using Goodreads to log what books I've read/am reading this year, and was musing that it'd be cool if there were something like that for fanfic, too...

...then I remembered I have a blog here, and might as well use it! So yeah. Gonna be shooting my, "I read a thing!"s into the ether!

August 10, 2023

Jolene is a song about lesbian pining, in this essay I will

August 8, 2023

It always feels hyper weird when fanartists draw me in aggressively straight situations. Like, no, I'm queer af, and my partners are too.

August 7, 2023

Education SHOULD be easy. As teachers, it's our job to make learning easy. Because the act of learning isn't easy. But our job is to make it easier. Present it in a straightforward, accessible way. Make it easy. Because it's hard enough.

July 30, 2023

Fffff...I'm tired. 2 and a half hours into sitting at the Taco Bell next to my oil change place waiting for my car to be finished, and it could be another hour and a half...and I'm getting a migraine. Suuucks. Took some excedrin, and trying to just vibe, but I can't focus on the book I bought, I've filled 4 pages of notes and writing in my sketchbook, and just feeling overstimulated and want to crawl into a quiet, dark, comfy place.

Also I want to draw but I'm too tired to draw. And I didn't bring my iPad anyway, so I can't do a finished thing, just sketchbook stuff. Which, like, sketchbook stuff is good, but I don't have a scanning anymore, and it's just not stuff I'm going to go through the resulting rigamarole to post.

July 18, 2023

Fuckin' nightmares

Nightmares all last night. ADHD assessment rucked stuff up, apparently.

• Dreamt I was getting groceries (at the old Jewel/Dominics) and my dad ambushed me in the parking lot. A big grin on his face (that big forced one), expecting me to be happy to see him--even though inside the dream itself them coming out here had already happened. But apparently because I was alone, he thought he'd be better received. Like it was my mates' influence that pulled me away. *snort* I full-on panicked. Considered just running, but realized my car would be a better escape. Fought struggling to open the car door and scramble in, fingers numb and aching in the grey cold
• Dreamt I was in college again, in the aftermath. It might've been a nightmare again in the dream, that dad had showed up, since I did fully wake between, but it also might've been that it happened. Dreams, idk
• Waking up for class, feeling shitty and shaky. Trying to find my toothbrush. Going into the dorm's communal bathroom to get ready. Deciding whether to go to class/work that day. Ran into a friend, an amalgam of Dan of the hat from Art Institute and Zac Oyama, and talked about whether we were going to classes that day
• Later (I think) went back to dorms with a new acquaintance/friend that might've been my roommate. Or he might've seen me dissociating and just wanted to help.
• Got ready for bed, shaky and bad, put my phone/cracked iPod on a desk playing music. Dunno if it was into headphones or not
• Spent the night in his bed, clinging to him, shaking, and crying. Drifting between that body and my hedgehog self doing the same clinging to Omega. So that feel. Felt good to feel myself, didn't want to keep coming back to human self. Then Jack off Jill's Strawberry Gashes started playing from my music, and I started freaking out harder because I didn't think I could handle listening to the end of the song.

July 13, 2023

Stay alive. Stay alive because I love my cats. I love my mates. Honestly, I love life, and this beautiful world we get to experience. I just also hurt a lot.

I might need to lower my availability at work again. We can't afford it, but I...I'm not doing well. I'm still better than I was in Illinois, but there's a certain danger there, and my pain, both physical and emotional, has been very high for too long.

This morning I thought for the first time about me as Gray's daddy going away forever. And...that's a horrifying thought. I don't want my boy to be alone, or just without me--in a way I think about differently when considering my mates. Maybe it's just that it's a simpler perspective to imagine. Maybe that I've been forced to conceptualize and have seriously shied away from considering, from their perspective.

I don't want to do that to them. But I also know that's not enough to get me through forever. That's a this step, and the next, but not enough to rely on forever. This is a terminal illness, and I'm determined something else kills me first. So I need strong tools in addition to that. Maybe more than what I currently have.

Things I Live For:

• My kitties
• My mates: Tails and Violet <3
• Horses
• My art
• Fun
• Adventure
• Helping
• Making things

For everything, art, writing, sewing, hobbies like gaming, always finish the evening Fit to Continue.

Might help avoid burnout/overtaxing ourself.

File the Serial Numbers off Later

July 10, 2023

• Me and Tails
• I have my shifter abilities and background via my alicorn form
• We're traveling
• I'm open with my powers, but they don't really understand who I am and what's going down A young, rampaging dragon shows up, just on the cusp of puberty--where they all go a bit mating crazy--they get kicked out of their clans at about that age to find a mate and get the destructive mood swings out of their system. It's cruel
• She's temporarily contained with a quick-built magic fence
• But before we can do anything more to help her or even talk to her at all, a war breaks out
• A company (literally) attacks with guns and tanks. They've had their eye on this area for awhile and the young dragon just makes it all too juicy
• Like, they were gonna do this anyway, this just made it be now
• Establish before this point Susie the T-Rex and the local unicorn wizard who works for the kingdom...and apparently didn't realize I too am unicorn, whoops
• We take out most of the tanks and big artillery between our powers and skills, our new friends' powers and skills, and abusing my shapeshifting
• Establish that I literally think of my friends as perfect--especially Tails, but like, Susie's a huge sweetie of a bruiser, but a bit dim and easily confused or tricked--but it doesn't matter, she's perfect. Tails is fucking amazing, but when he isn't able to pull something off he starts beating himself up, and I'm not having it
• But if I can't do something perfectly or immediately I'm trash
• We use a train to take out some of the attacks, Tails ends up needing to do some repairs only he can do, but he's taught me to drive trains before. We both know he's better at it, but I can do it--I just think I'll do it badly and that it's a shame they won't get to see him show off his skills I start to do it, it starts to go wrong, I start to tell myself I'm trash, and Susie busts me out of that--I pull the thing off, but it's not pretty
• With most of the main forces curtailed, we switch focuses to making sure this preteen dragon is safe
• I shift to dragon form before we go into the enclosure so I can hopefully get her to talk easier, or handle her if she's egg-crazy
• My dragon form's even closer to the rage-fucking (taboo) age, shhh
• We head in, having sent Susie ahead, keeping an eye on our unfriendly allies.
• We're also making sure they see my dragon form beforehand so they can recognize me once we've gone in
• The unicorn wizard is disappointed for some reason (she thinks this is my true form, she'd been feeling the unicorn in me but now thinks she was mistaken--me being a taboo age dragon answers some of the weirdness about me)
• We head into the enclosure to meet the pre-teen dragon
• We're talking to her, she's scared and alone, she feels betrayed and is doubling down on how her friends and family must have been justified to send her away, and how she could snap and do monstrous things at any moment
• Oh...honey, no. They weren't right to do this. This is just cruel. To you and the people outside. They're dragons. They're equipped to handle your mood-swings when and if they happen. These people aren't.
• And now a military force is out here, trying to get to you, so they can weaponize you at your most vulnerable
• She's just a kid who wants to go home, who's been told puberty makes her a monster
• Naturally she assumes we're the bad manipulator people
• So then the last of the tanks show up, and a mediocre white guy steps out to tell her how they can give her anything she needs if she just comes with them--riches, power, more money
• "I changed my mind, they're obviously the ones trying to use me." "Right!?"
• I don't have enough juice left to shift and stay conscious, so we'll have to do this dragon-style
• We do--with flying and fire and the power of friendship and all that
• Finally mediocre white guy is defeated, and so's his army. Yay
• But we were separated from dragon girl in the fight, and now our allies have her, oh no So we go up and ask them to let her go, and they're all, "Sonic, you're even closer to taboo age than she is, how could you endanger us like this?" And I'm all, "Dudes. I'm not actually a dragon."
• And unicorn wizard's been sensing something from me this whole time, and their magic sensing tools have been reacting oddly to me, and they're like, "Fine, explain it." And I'm like, "It's complicated, but okay."
• And I shift to alicorn form and pass out, letting Tails deal with it
• Then we denouement after I wake back up, back in hedgehog shape--unicorn mom's an asshole, shoved me off to live as a "mortal" animal, ended up thriving instead, touched some magic, got more magic, yadda, yadda
• We're all dangerous, but it's how we treat each other that's important

July 7, 2023

Okay, FINE, I'll try to sort this.

I have fucked up trauma brain. Sometimes this manifests in helpful ways, like driving me to be intentionally kind, or working to be mindful of my ability to accidentally hurt others, particularly in emotionally heightened times. And other times it just sucks. Like, there's no reason at all to justify trauma, it didn't make me stronger or more compassionate, the actually useful things I happened to learn through trauma did NOT have to be learned only through trauma, I don't want to lay out any apologetics. I am not better for my trauma.

Mostly I'm just in pain and exhausted.

I've been away from my abusers for a little over two years, now. Which is great. I've been healing, and I am way, way better, which is also great. But way better than "I need to get out of here by any means necessary, even that one," is not necessarily the same as "good". I'm still very much not good.

I have a bad issue with feeling useless and worthless. I still tell myself every day that I should kill myself. On days that I'm doing pretty okay, these thoughts are mostly annoying, but on bad days, they start to feel more insidious. The claws prick, and start to get purchase, start penetrating. And the weirdest part is, the whole useless/worthless thing doesn't even align with my values. Even when it is getting through, it doesn't feel like it's a part of my so much as an echo ringing through me. So, I guess I should unpack these things.

I don't believe anyone or anything is worthless. I think just being is perfectly enough. I think we can celebrate ecological niches, admire how interconnected everything is, acknowledge that there's more an individual or species could do that we aren't even aware of in how it interacts with homeostasis, but even if something had no job it fulfilled, it would still belong. It would still deserve to exist. So why can't I feel that way about myself?

"Deserve" is probably doing something there. My abusive parents were likewise traumatized themselves, in ways I was and am under equipped to examine closely. But once, when I was drinking with my parents and their friends, and I was chatting with the friend-wife about MBTi, since she was a coach and I'd spent the past several months hyperfixating, my mom hopped into the conversation thread. She started getting Myers-Briggs 101ed, but as we were explaining introvert vs. extrovert, my drunk mom started crying, because she "didn't feel she deserved to be either." And our drunk asses were super confused, since MBTi is pretty value neutral in its assertion that everyone's one or the other.

So I know she was carrying her own load of shame and self loathing, and ostensibly felt she didn't "deserve" things. Presumably I picked up more of these patterns unconsciously than I realize. It's clearly scaffolded by christian shit, specifically the flavor of midwestern protestant evangelical ass butter they immersed us in. All that garbage about "worthiness" and "sin" and being fucking disgusting.

The thoughts don't feel like they come from inside me. They don't feel like they're being interjected in, either. It's more like they snuck in before the garage door was closed, and they're still just bouncing around in there.

July 2, 2023

Anyone else obsess over keeping their arm hair laying right because it's your fur and you want it laying smooth and comfortable?

July 2, 2023

I want a Rollercoaster Tycoon/Satisfactory/Zoo Tycoon-type game about rehabbing and managing wild land. Like you're in charge of the park ranger service at a national park or something, and you start with a newly acquired wild area that's been mismanaged or neglected. Like you're trying to re-introduce biodiversity back to lumber land, turn an air-seeded forest into something that can develop past its plateau so that it's healthier, re-wild a river or wetlands...all sorts of stuff!

And then you have to balance doing right by your wildlands with managing tourists as well--providing hiking, biking, and even horse trails, camping, parking, waste removal, etc. And you have a feedback system, and some of the requests are valid, but others are complete and total ass-hattery like those, "Just a bunch of rocks," reviews that went viral for some national parks a few years ago. And like, for the forest management, you need to fell trees sometimes, and people would complain about that because they mean well, but don't have the craft to understand that you need to do that for the health of the forest and to keep the trees from choking each other out of resources.

Anyway, I've been on a "learning about rewilding" kick this week, and we just drove through a forest managed by the parks service so I'm seeing it with new eyes and wondering about the management approach.

Sunday, June 25, 2023 - 9:10 PM

The kitties help me vlog, and I bring up some loads from our downstairs storage.

What a load...! - Sonic

June 19, 2023

Welllllp.

So, my abusive parents, the ones I fled from 2 years ago, the ones I still have nightmares about living with showed up at our door today.

Thank chaos my partner answered. Thank chaos I didn't hear their voices, that they didn't see me, that they left.

But that validation of my paranoia is nooooot gonna do good things for my brain.

Like, if they came the literal 2,000 miles once, they could feasibly do it again. And I'd expect them to stick around for a few days and maybe try again. So I'm gonna be pretty fucking anxious.

And also: Fuck them. Fuck them so hard. Fuck them so bad. Fuck them.

But before The Event, I'd been having a really chill, good day with one of my mates. We'd originally planned to go to the beach today, but the forecast said it was gonna be in the 60s out there, so we took a rain check and just decided to go to our apartment building's pool, instead.

I'd been wanting to start recording vlogs, and recorded a couple of talking to the camera shots, but was a bit stymied when I did some things I'd have wanted b-roll for, like chores, but also wanted to use my phone during. Like, if I'm doing dishes, you bet your ass I'm listening to a video or podcast or audiobook on my phone--not something the phone will let me do if it's also recording video.

So I decided I'd finally bite the bullet and get a camera again--I'm a big fan of using what you've got if it works, but if it's not actually working...? Besides, I cracked my phone's screen over the selfie camera 2 weeks ago, so it's use in vlogging is a bit mixed now. Like yeah, it forces me to use the much better quality camera, but at the cost of constantly wondering what even is in frame.

Some research time, and my mate helpfully reminding me that buying used is a thing that exists and is good, and I think I'll be able to go nab a nice camera on the cheap tomorrow.

Bonus: It's a bit of a hike out to where the seller happens to be, and getting to leave the house and get away from our usual stomping grounds will help be really nice for my anxious brain. Because best defense: No be there.

I do not have it in me to confront my parents, and everything they'd demand as what they are owed.

-_- It continues. Like, it should be over now? We hope? At least for the time being? But yeah...I'm feeling pretty watched at the moment.

Ended up not going out for the camera--was having trouble hearing back from the Facebook Marketplace sellers, and then I finally remembered ebay exists. So all was not lost, my foray onto the Marketplace meant I knew about what to look for, and which models were suitable for my preferred price range, so I could just...plug that into ebay and choose a promising listing. Easy. So yeah, that should arrive late this week.

Then my mate and I (not the mate I was spending time with yesterday, my other mate) went out to do some errands. After my parents landed on our doorstep yesterday, I was feeling pretty scared of going out of the apartment--but I also wanted to get groceries, and hey, it was unlikely that they'd stalk any of the actual destinations we'd be going to. Just the apartment complex and parking lot. Hence my mate coming with me.

It turned out that was a ton of fun. We loved just spending time with each other out and about, where neither of us was hyperfocusing on anything else. So yeah, we're planning on making this a regular thing! It hadn't been possible before a couple weeks ago, when my work schedule changed, so it's nice to have the reminder that we can change how we go about things and do more together.

Errands done, we went home, and my anxiety rose again, but fortunately, they weren't lurking around.

But they had emailed me. Twice. To an old alt account I still had connected to my phone, and my main email.

I'm not going to go into it.

But I was pretty roughed up.

They did say they would be leaving tomorrow. They said they won't try to contact me again. I don't believe that. But I do believe that it'll be another year or so before they try again.

They don't know my new name. They don't know where I work. They apparently went around to places they thought I'd be working yesterday. Which is slightly hilarious, because there's no chance they knew where to go or who to ask.

It sucks. We'll be okay. But it sucks.

Sunday, June 18, 2023 - 9:10 PM

Just an intro, trying to start a vlogging habit, etc!

Things did happen after we got back from the pool and had our lunch and...I was not inclined to vlog them. My parents had travelled the 2,000 miles to show up outside our door. It was...rough. Fortunately, Vi was the one who answered the door, so I didn't actually have to interact with them or even hear their voices. But it was still super, super rough. Not a good time.

I don't think they'll try again any time soon. From the emails that slipped through before I blocked them on the alt email account they'd dug up, they said they thought I was making a mistake, and claimed I would have to contact them next. I don't believe that, they'll lose patience with waiting before I do. But it could be a year or more before they try again. Hopefully the more.

Soooo...yeah. It was rough.

Swimming was fun, though! - Sonic

June 10, 2023

Blah blah, Otherkin-ness makes the lines between literary criticism and personal criticism blur, blah.

Fucker, I do not repress my negative emotions! And fuck, I'm insulted that that's people's take-away from me!

"Oh, Sonic is usually cheerful, so that means he's suppressing his Bad Feelings!" Bitch, PLEASE. I work too damn hard at feeling my "bad" emotions to put up with this kinda shit! I put way too much effort into feeling my anger, my sadness, and my pain. Into exploring what's at the heart of them, and what action, if any, they're pointing me to. I spend way too much time embracing my pain, utilizing my anger to do what needs doing and controlling it so I don't lash out at people to take that kinda shit.

I channel my emotions. I direct my emotions. If anger's what I need, I take it. If I'm in pain, I do my best to address it. But fuck this! I am not about that toxic positivity, "Your bad emotions are bad and you should shove them down and feel shame" protestant bullshit!

June 10, 2023

Feeling really good today <3

So I'm obsessed with failure. Probably not the way you're thinking, I don't go watching hours of Epic Fail compilations. I'm obsessed with failure because I want people to succeed. But again, probably not the way you think. I don't want to demonize failure.

Because going through failure is how you succeed.

There's this concept in exercise science (basically anything applied physiology) of the "point of failure"--the level of exertion at which a muscle starts failing. Basically, you work the muscles to the edge of that point of failure, and then you give them rest. Not even necessarily for very long, it could mark the end of that set or the end of the session. But working past that point of failure is where injuries start happening, so you need to know it, and respect it--but you also need to push to it in order to grow your strength.

You cannot learn a new skill without failure. You have to try and not succeed in order to push, and ultimately expand, your limits. Working only within what you can successfully do the first time prevents growth. So we need to allow failure.

May 30, 2023

BEHOLD! BARK!

@sonic_spirit

♬ original sound - Sonic Spirit

[Video description: Short video of a tree with a peeling sticker reading "BARK" attached to its trunk, fluttering in the breeze. Voice over declares "Behold...BARK."]

May 25, 2023

I am not hurting my parents by having left.

• Yes, they may hurt as a result of my leaving
• HOWEVER, I am not actively harming them in having left
• Remember when I used to joke about casually asking my friends to kill them for me? This is NOT THAT. I am not harming them
• I am asserting a boundary
• Because they made it very clear that I was not safe with them
• That they would not respect my boundaries themselves
• That at 23 they still considered spanking me an acceptable response to me back-talking them
• Because they WOULD NOT STOP HURTING ME on their own
• And because I was unable to assert my safety in any other way
• They may hurt that I left
• But I am not hurting them

I can, and should, prioritize the things I love.

• I should write and draw It Doesn't Matter before doing chores, or writing stories for profit
• I can use chores or writing as active breaks from one another, AND I need to take passive breaks and rest
• If I keep the energy for the things I love, I can generate new energy for other things too
• I do not need to, and in fact should not, for my health, do the unpleasant things first (or only)
• It is okay if I don't get to everything

I'm 15. Not asserting my boundaries will not make me a better adult

• In many ways, I was "more adult" at Actually 15 because I WOULD assert my boundaries
• So I should Act My Age (of 15)

It's okay if I don't Get Into All Of It.

• You don't need to know. And that's fine
• For awhile, it was healing for me to stop hiding the things and Get Into It.
• But that's not always the case (anymore, if it ever was). Sometimes You Don't Need To Know, And That's Fine

May 24, 2023

URGH. I'm 23,800 words or a 50-page google doc into this story I'd started originally to be a short story, and I just want to get it done because it's just...UGH. It's pretty good, I just lost my momentum, and it's too far along for me to feel like abandoning it is a viable option!

May 18, 2023

This beautiful little himbo child is hunting a spider in our bathroom. And by "hunting", of course I mean tracking the spider down, and then plaintively squeaking to me to get it for him so he can play with or eat it. He is my lovely little gremlin child and I adore him. This cat would die in approximately 3 seconds outside, and I love everything about him.

(Image description: A grey cat sitting on a cluttered bathroom counter looks to the upper left with a silly, intent expression on his face.)

May 13, 2023

Today I got to teach kids about the vulva, urethra, and rectum on a horse, cuz they asked! And cuz they were asking each other whether you poop or pee out a baby, and I could not let that stand!

May 12, 2023

thelapinbitch
maybe it's just the group of freaks (affectionate) i'm following, but from what it looks like, we as a fandom looked at jessica rabbit as a mango and a pastrami on rye hunk

and decided that we instead want to fuck the very old radish and the greasy, smelly cheese man

i love that for us <3

Oh, holy hell, a pastrami on rye and provolone sandwich with sliced radish and mango salsa sounds like it would FUCKIN' SLAP.

...

TO THE GROCERY STORE!!!

@sonic_spirit #theraveningwar #dimension20 #sandwich #cwfood ♬ BILLIE EILISH. - Armani White

I tried it!

It was okay. I was hoping to find a more mango forward salsa, but I was limited in what they had on hand, and too tired to try and go through making a salsa myself.

May 10, 2023

Started drawing a very dark vent comic today. Dunno if I'll finish it, or post it anywhere. But yeah. Yay vent comics.

May 10, 2023

cherrystrawberrie
It's been so long since i said it but if you live with homophobic/transphobic parents no matter if you're a minor or a young adult don't come out <3

cherrywolowos
I don't care if you guys do it to feel validated by other young gays, your comminity doesn't want you putting themselves in harm's way just to "live their truth" we want you alive

cherrywolowos
"It's 2022 it's not that big deal anymore!!" If your parents are biggots it matters, 2022 is not discriminatory free, if you're able to hide it from them don't think it twice and risk it all because your gay friends told you you weren't really gay if you hadn't come out

jabberwockypie
I'd honestly argue that -- regardless of your age -- if you would be in danger from people you live with or your well--being would be threatened, don't come out to them. (Especially when various older people have had to move back in with parents because of the economy/COVID/etc.)

Homophobic parents paying for college? Hang in there and get your degree. Setting up your awesome new life and living on your own will be a whole lot easier if you can avoid having to deal with student loans.

roach-works
you do not owe anyone a truth they will hurt you for.

dovewithscales
And if you have to lie, then lie. If you're beholden to homophobic people and they suspect you're queer and confront you, it's okay to lie about it to keep yourself safe.

Lie your asses off until you're free. Keep yourself safe, and stay alive. And don't wait to escape until it's perfect. It never will be, and it'll always be hard. But find peace you can rely on to help. You don't have to do this alone.

I know that's hard, and possibly even the scariest part. You've learned not to lean on anyone, because every time you did it fell away. But it's not always like that. You can find people who you can lean on, and get strong enough again to return the favor.

We live in a nightmare world. But we're not alone, and we're stronger together.

May 9, 2023

I see dogs, and I think, "Horses are so cool."

So that's neat.

Hi, I'm drunk <3

I would like a horse.

I want a horse.

It's absolutely stupid how much I want to just get a fuckin' horse.

I have baby rabies, but for horses.

The Horse That Got Away...

May 8, 2023

Pffff... It's been weeks and I'm still obsessing about this boy

May 3, 2023

Been actually able to draw the past few days like, "LET'S FUCKIN' GOOOO!!!"

April 18, 2023

Pffff...so I did The Math, and just...

There's really no way to escape that I'd still really need to be able to put aside $1,000 a month to be able to cover board, farriers, vet bills, and emergencies.

And chaos, if I had that kind of monetary flexibility...well, my anxiety would be much less of an issue, if nothing else.

So I'm kinda In Mourning, because while I got really excited about this particular horse, this particular prospect, it wouldn't have broken my heart to see him go to another home, especially not even having met him yet.

But I don't see how I even can start being able to put aside that kind of money. Like, oh, if I get another part time job for like 10 hours a week...but that's not really sustainable, is it? And maintaining that on top of the work that goes into taking care of a horse...yeah, that doesn't math either.

So I'm pretty broken hearted over the whole situation, since...I don't see it changing.

I'm probably gonna be pouring myself into some monetization schemes to cope. I have stories I've been meaning to write and hopefully publish, have had thoughts on selling merch, and with This my priorities have shifted a bit from putting my traumatized self back together to striving for The Thing.

I'm sure I'll even talk myself into opening commissions again at some point, even though every time I've done so I've been utterly unable to approach it in a healthy way and burnt myself out.

So yeah. Capitalism sucks, bay-bee. Even when you're scraping by okay.

Oh No, Dream Horse - Sonic

April 17, 2023

Oh no, I love him

https://www.myrighthorse.org/available-horses/gelding-arabian-from-lancaster-apollo

OH, CHAOS, HALP.

I DO NOT NEED TO BE TRYING TO SERIOUSLY CONSIDER IF I COULD SWING THIS RIGHT NOW. YES, MAYBE I COULD, IN THIS MOMENT, AFFORD THE ADOPTION FEE, AND YES, RESCUE HORSES THAT ARE ACTUALLY GOOD ENDURANCE CANDIDATES ARE RARE. BUT I DO NOT HAVE A HOOKUP FOR A GOOD BOARDING FACILITY, BRAIN, STOP TELLING ME TO BEG MY EMPLOYER!

UGH!!!

I WAS JUST TRYING TO SEE IF THERE WERE ANY LEASES THAT LOOKED GOOD, AND I COULDN'T REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE SITE EVERYONE USES FOR LISTINGS AROUND HERE!!!

So yeah. My dumb brain is being dumb and trying to tell me it would be SUPER RATIONAL to drop everything and get this boy.

COOL.

Further contributing to my foaming at the mouth over this boy is that the horse I dreamed last night was also a grey, and that HIS NAME IS APOLLO. Also my damned co-worker saying something along the lines of, "That's not a dream, that's a prophecy," when I mentioned it to her today.

FUUUUUUUUUUCK, I DO NOT NEED TO TRY AND TALK MYSELF INTO THIS.

Oh no.

Boarding around here...it's actually kinda affordable...

I'm in so much trouble.

Oh No, Dream Horse - Sonic

April 17, 2023

Days off tomorrow! Days off and our 3 weeks of camp are over, where it was brutal and my goal was "Don't have a meltdown <3"

I really hope I'm not all headachy again like my last several days off. I want to try and draw.

Days Off Tomorrow! - Sonic

April 17, 2023

HAAAAAA, my brain is so mean.

So last night I dreamed I got a horse. In the dream, because I'm working as a riding instructor, they gave me a dope-ass deal on the horse himself and board, so good it'd be absolutely insane not to take it.

So take it I did! So in the dream I end up with this lovely little grey horse called Hish, who's also a broke as hell lesson horse. And I'm tooling along with him, getting to know him, riding him, taking care of him, dealing with dumb things happening around the barn, and just starting to realize how absurdly lovely this little gelding is.

And just as I'm really falling in love with this little horse...I wake up.

WELP.

Also, most of the dream was pretty plausible, worked him during a lesson with two younger students who were having trouble managing their horses, dealt with an issue where a bunch of horses were tied and one little shit kept going out of his way to kick literally anyone he possibly could, and we didn't really have a better place to put him, even though he obviously couldn't stay there, and still needed everyone tied, and it was just one of those "well, fuck," times.

BUT ALSO, because the ridiculously cheap board I was getting happened to be a stall and also we didn't have turnout, we gave the horses books so they wouldn't be too bored.

BOOKS. SO THEY WOULDN'T BE BORED.

I appreciate that my sleeping mind still recognized our value that horses should be kept in turnout, preferably pasture, with others whenever possible...but chaos, was my sleeping brain's solution adorable.

Literal dream horse, apparently - Sonic

April 16, 2023

What's the protocol for the people with wild DNIs? Just block them? Idk.

Do not interact, apparently, but like...wtf? - Sonic

April 15, 2023

Searching for dopamine when what you need is a nap.

Honk-shoo, fucker - Sonic

April 14, 2023

My understanding of the hate of p-shifters was more that it stemmed from the history of a few cults developing within the larger community that used the promise of revealing the secrets of Real Actual P-Shifting as a control tactic. Everyone I've talked to who was around the community at the time has a really visceral reaction that reads like a trauma response to me.

So, I get it, I wasn't touching the community at the time (I got my own personal dramatic stories from The Old Times), so the visceral shutdown of belief in p-shifting was weird to me, too, but there are valid reasons why discussion around it gets shut off so quick. Ain't no one want more p-shifter cults.

April 14, 2023

Holy chaos! Two years ago today I arrived at my new home. Two years ago last Tuesday I finally fled my abusive family never to return.

I'm so, so damn happy. I'm so, so damn relieved. I'm safe, and I'm loved, and I'm more free than I've ever been. For the first time ever, I like my life. I catch myself just grinning, realizing I'm just happy. I live with my two amazing mates. We have a wonderful cat, and we're adopting a second. I live in an awesome place. I get to work as a riding instructor, teaching people, especially kids, about horses and sharing my special interest every day. Last week, I was working in a park in San Francisco! I cannot believe how good things are.

Yes, they're still hard, and yes, I still get stressed. I'm still gonna be recovering forever. But panic attacks aren't a weekly, bi-weekly, or even monthly thing, anymore. Even if the world is on fire and scary, especially for three trans people like us, we're safe here, right now.

It's really, really nice to feel this way, and see how far I've come <3

^_^ I'm never going back <3

Fuck them <3 - Sonic

April 14, 2023

BLUUURRRRGH, I really want to get into endurance riding! Like, the barrier of entry is still astronomically high, but also...closer than I've ever managed to get?

Like, riding my favorite breed of horse (because I'm basic like that, and Arabians are my jam) on super long trail rides through beautiful nature with mandatory vet checks to make sure everyone is still healthy and happy? The philosophy of "To finish is to win"? The slightly unhinged, beautifully mud-splattered feel of it all? HELLS YES, THIS IS EXACTLY MY JAM, YES PLEASE!

And like, it does also intersect with my Otherkinity. Cuz look. I'm Sonic the Hedgehog. I'm also a fuckin' alicorn.

Also I think I'm also horse hearted? Cuz my alicorn self is far enough from equid that it isn't, but close enough that it overlaps, too. I could also be horse therian too, instead of simply hearted, it honestly wasn't something I thought to consider until recently. Cuz hey, that's all encompassed by my alicorn self, right? Even though my unicorn culture maintained Very Strongly that they are not horses, and were cervine and elvey enough to make that stick? Yeah, shit gets hazy fast. (Chaos, when your parenthetical aside develops into its own full-on paragraph, am I right? Yeesh.)

But yeah, endurance riding. Or. Yanno. Endurance racing. Because it's a race. 50-100 miles of it. Racing on horseback across rugged country. Mountain trails, vast plains, that fucking insane climb on Tevis. The idea of actually DOING those sorts of things makes me euphoric as hell. These? The things I'm actually supposed to be able to do? The running, the exploring, the nature? And all with a beloved partner I work with so well we practically operate as one!? Um. Yes. Yes please.

And like, yeah, of course I'd start with limited distance and competitive trail rides (where the goal is to finish within a safe window, neither too slow nor fast, and the winner is judged by the condition of the finishers, most fit to continue wins), and might even ultimately prefer them. But CHAOS, is that an experience I want to work towards.

Like, it's hard for me to parse out, sometimes. Do I want it because I think I should have a goal or sport to pursue within this whole horse riding thing (because I do believe that past the basics, it does help to have a sport to help you grow and further your skills. Gain new experiences, keep learning, don't stagnate). Do I just like the idea of it, and the reality I would hate? Did I pick it arbitrarily entirely because I like Arabians, and this is Their Sport? Does any of that actually detract from my motivation, or am I arbitrarily deciding that my desires are impure because of my puritanical upbringing?

Soooo, yeah. I'm going to gradually pursue this, even though it's HUGE and dumb. Because that's what I do. "Giant animation project reflecting my parallel life? Let's gooo!" I'm doing some fresh research, and ran into the website of a local endurance riding group, so I'll see about making a connection and learning more about getting started and the community and whatnot. I'm enacting my plan to pay off my debts and save for a horse. It's still a loooong ways away, but it doesn't look impossible. Oh! And I'm scheduled for physical therapy on my knees and ankles, which is relevant, because I do not enjoy the pain!

To Finish Is To Win - Sonic

April 4, 2023

Camp week 2, day 2! I'm in San Francisco today, after 2 instructors called out, 1 having been stepped on, yesterday. Yesterday I did Woodside's camp alone. Just 5 kids, 4 who showed, so it was do-able, but yeah, not exactly something I was prepared for. There's 18 kids here at San Francisco this week (17 today).

I'm so tired.

Yesterday was mostly fine. The kids were good. I usually think they are, but still. No one particularly challenging or super clingy yesterday. Devin, my more experienced kid; a pair of Asian brothers; and one little girl who sung and hummed Last Unicorn all day. So yeah, they were good. Only thing that went wrong was that Devin cantered Salem during his turn trotting. So that's not great. Don't get me wrong, it was a beautiful canter, and he sat it well. But he also didn't pull back to get him to walk when I asked, and Abby says it's hard to get Salem to canter. So yeah. Either it was intentional, or the kid kicked him super hard. So Abby's gonna move him to Lexi.

Abby's taking Woodside today, while I help San Francisco here. She said she ended up trying to take charge, and described basically stepping on people's toes while being annoyed at the state of this place after the amount of work she put in getting it set up, and her frustration at how out of sync they are with the horses she sent out here. She said my being more of a team player would probably be better (and take the "in charge" load off me). So yeah. That's how we got here.

I had stress nightmares last night. Felt like all last night, but I think it was just a long dream at the end of the night. As with all my nightmares right now, I was living with my parents again. I had to go out to a dinner with my parents and their friends. I was coming home from hanging out with friends, or something, and didn't have clean laundry...and mom had put clothes in my closet she required me to wear. They were a skirt and two fluffy floral print blouses that layered. Looking at them in my closet, my spirit just sank. That I was out, that I'd been honest, and that they just wanted me to be something else. Wearing the clothes, they weren't even all THAT deplorable or as fluffy as they looked on the hangers. But the absolute rejection of who I really am that they represented was horrible.

Again, it was a long dream. We went to a terrible Thai restaurant with their friends and had to wait 3 hours to not get served food, and move on to an iHop, or something. But that betrayal was what stuck, and really what it was all about.

So that's been shadowing my mind all day.

March 30, 2023

Posting is hard for me. Too many years of being told no one cared what I had to say. Too many years telling myself it needs to be well thought out and polished. Hard work. Rigorous effort. Funny, witty, and all still approachable.

I keep saying, "Oh, I'll get better about posting. I've got things to say, or at least I want to join the fun, too." But I still stress out, freak that nobody really would want to hear from me, or that anything I write has to be a gigantic Effort. Say, "This Time, I Will Write!" and my mind goes blank. My anxiety swells, and I'm redirecting myself to think about something else, diverting my attention to drown out the roaring negative self talk, the storm of fear and pain threatening to swamp me.

I want to post more. I want to write about my experiences, and tell my stories, and share my opinions...and not duck and run any time someone interacts with me.

But no promises.

Nobody Cares... - Sonic

March 29, 2023

Deadass took the opportunity of teaching kids about tack to put an actual horse halter over my face today <3

Very Pony Aesthetic - Sonic

March 14, 2023

I love that Tumblr celebrates the Ides of March both because of my Latin geek history and my love of reminding politicians that they're expendable.

Ides of March - Sonic

March 7, 2023

I have to get up, but there's a kitty cuddling against me: The conundrum.

Kitty! - Sonic

Shadow's Lost 50 Years

February 28, 2023

It always bugs me when people forget that Shads wasn't conscious for those 50 years in stasis. Like, yeah. He comes out of his tube with scheme in hand, manipulating the shit out of whoever's just woken him, calling them master and promising them destruction. But like. He knew he was going to be used as a weapon. Him using them right back is a totally reasonable reaction to being backed into a corner, totally in the middle of processing grief and betrayal, and again, waking the first time after LITERALLY GETTING HIS BRAIN HACKED.

Eggman's fuckin' hard on for destruction - Sonic