So Tired

July 24, 2022

I don't feel good. I don't. I actually feel kinda actually suicidal now, rather than my more usual "Please make the intrusive thoughts stop." I just...I don't feel good.

I don't know that it'll ever get any better. I don't really have anything terrible happening right now (just general shape of this world stuff, rather than current drudging through being re-traumatized). I just...can't. I work hard, I'm trying to push through, but...

I can't connect with my real self now. Haven't really for weeks or months. I just can't feel it. I don't believe it's not there, or that it was a coping mechanism when things were really bad, because I awoke as Sonic after I had some distance and actually was in a place where I was starting to heal. Chaos, I wish I'd never gone back to my parents and found a way to keep healing then.

I'm so tired. I can't draw. Won't try, but I can't touch that part of me right now. It feels blasted. Like the inside of a burnt down old tree. Like, there's a ridge of still living wood there, and the roots are still intact, it can start throwing out sprouts again eventually. Woo. But right now? It's blasted.

I can't sleep enough. I just want to keep sleeping. Don't like going to sleep, and once I wake too far I have to keep moving. But I could probably sleep 12 hours over and over for weeks and not be covered.

I work hard. I'm trying to be on top of things, to be good. I feel like I'm barely keeping up, but I feel like I'm mostly keeping up. I work hard at work, despite both trying to pace myself and cover everything I need to do and make sure shit doesn't fall through the cracks. I work hard at home, to make sure quality of life stuff is kept up with. I work hard on making sure the kitties are doing well and getting the care they need. I'm so, so tired.

I can't touch...kinda my feelings in general. But I can't feel the good stuff. Like, I can still experience a good squee, which is good, but...it's hard to really engage with the other things I enjoy. I just don't connect to them right right now. I'm tired.

This weekend...has been heavy for feeling like I need to constantly perform and/or engage for other people. Continuing wisdom teeth fallout. Friday night we had Gray in the bedroom with us, which was nice, but exhausting to track him all night. So yesterday I was pretty wrecked, and yeah. Today was Vi's birthday, which, good. But then there's making sure ve feels special and loved, and being present and available when I kinda just want to curl up in a cave, or something. And Tails asked that we start calling them Robin, and like, I'm GOING to be good and supportive for my mate. But also...

It's just A Thing I need to process. And like, part of me is super bummed, and feels like I've lost this connection with someone I care about, both in not having My Tails here anymore, and in not having someone who can understand my bullshit. Which, neither is true, but I need to process this quick and keep it from spilling over onto them. I will. I refuse to hurt them. But I still also feel more shitty than before as a result. And more alone. Which is maybe why this is kicking into a higher gear tonight, but it was already picking up speed, and only a matter of time before it would bowl me over.

I'm so tired. Thought about emailing to ask Dr. S if we should up my meds, since...yeah, this whole thing. I just. I'm so tired, and I'm so tired of feeling this way