Therapy Day, Journal Day

June 23, 2022

Okay, it was another therapy day, so it's another journal day, I decided.

Topics We Covered:

• I probably don't need to "force" getting memories back, because they'll come forward in their own time as I have the capacity to deal with them
• Names are Important. I shared a bit of "Skye" and "Spirit" with Mindy
• Signing off with, "I still have another week where I'm not supposed to carry more than 10 lbs" was "Protect your boundaries!" Yeahhh...yeah...
• Plans vs. my approach, idk

Yeah. Over the past week or so I've been diving into Ex-Fundie Diaries' YouTube channel doing an archive binge. An ill-advised archive binge, and I knew that going in. But yeah. I discovered her when the channel recommendations for her AWANA and Donut Man videos popped up, and like...I did those. Those were both big time sinks in my kid-hood. So I thought it would spark (GETTIT. SPARKS. LIKE AWANA SPARKS) some memories. And like. Yeah, some. But not as many as I might've expected, so I guess I got preoccupied with trying to shake things loose...yeah. Basically I really don't need to do that, and, as Tails phrased it, I don't need to try and speedrun recovery. But, yanno, recovery is active, so I wanted to try and engage and challenge myself, I guess. Since, yanno, I guess I thought that I wasn't plowing into my limits every day so that meant I wasn't doing enough. Which is probably why I felt so bad and guilty. Whee.

Mindy applauded my waiting on starting the name change until after it couldn't heck up 2021 taxes, and congratulated me on good planning, which of course I pushed back on. And then she pushed back on "it's okay to take a compliment," and like yeah...but also...me and plans. But also...the reasons I accepted that I'm bad at plans is kinda fucked. Like, it's that the plans I would frequently come up with and pitch to my parents were super demolished, even when they were good--or like grooming, something my parents came to on their own later. Like, that old plan of supporting myself and getting land for horses down in southern Illinois wasn't bullshit after all, obviously. So yeah. I kinda do do the plan thing. So having Imaginary be all, "Your plans aren't plans," that was kinda fucked. And yeah, my plans do tend to be loose and flexible, and I do tend to focus on an approach more than a plan, because you don't know what you're missing going in and I find prioritizing flexibility to be more helpful. That's not not a plan, it's just a different kind of plan.