More Money Woes

Thursday, February 20, 2025 - 4:45 PM

Gray is working really, really hard on getting fed. He's graduated from cuddling me insistently and making chewing sounds, so standing on my keyboard, to knocking things over for attention. ^_^ I love our little demon child.

I had to skip their lunch today. Or, at least, I was in danger of being too broke to give them lunch and dinner today, let alone breakfast tomorrow. Bullet dodged, I was able to pick up my paycheck today, and had some cash in my wallet left over from con and was able to buy more cat food for today and tomorrow. Hopefully my deposit goes through with enough time to pick up more for the week tomorrow or Saturday.

I really shouldn't've let it get this bad. I knew it might be coming. My finances have finally caught up with me on the whole Being Completely Fucked front. I'm running out of my ability to bail myself out, and what I do have stashed...I need to not touch without putting guard rails in to keep this from happening. Some more.

I could've asked my mates for help. But they were going to con this weekend...don't wanna be a burden.

I'm trying another way to try and keep track of my ins and outs. It's not heartening. Chaos, and I don't even have my "escrow" stuff in - for car registration, software re-ups...foook. And ToonBoom's gonna be up, soon. Hells, I'll hafta pause it. That...should be okay. Fuck. Maybe I should just do all my editing for IDM in DaVinci Resolve. Maybe I can figure it out. I'm so tired.

I wanna go home. I wanna just be myself. I don't want to live this life, I don't want to live this way. I don't want this sort of thing to matter. I wanna just go home.

I keep keeping myself from diving in on It Doesn't Matter, the best and only way I have to experience Being Home. Because I'm stressed. Because I can't reach it. Because I already spent months There weeping and hiding under furniture and having my friends and mates cuddle me to get through it. So I could put myself back together enough to get through school. Because I've already put them through too damn much. Because there's nowhere safe to be even There, with how GUN's been running wild. If I could just be home...we could make it better. It's not better. I can't focus.

How do people write blogs and have them be not just raw and disjointed? How do you hop in: Hey, here's my life! Things suck, but sometimes they don't! Here's a story of what's been up with me!

Like yeah, mostly people don't actually blog much, anymore. But I been re-reading Abbey Kumquatwriter's blog (the reason I know her, and the relevant reading thereof, is on her Crazy Train side blog, about her experiences living in a small cult. Experiences I really relate to). So blogs be on my mind.

And I like blogging, and being able to look back on my thoughts and experiences. Having them collected on my website instead of spread through years worth of sketchbooks and phone notes just helps with that. I'd say, "Oh, I should scribble notes down in sketchbooks and then turn them into actual prose later," but I know I'm not gonna get to it. I'm always overwhelmed, 100% of the time. It's why I have so much trouble interacting with people online and through text. Cuz if it's not literally right in front of me, demanding my attention, it's being upstaged by whatever else is.

Things Gray knows very well.

Oh hey, lookit that. A narrative through-line.