I Can Get Better, But I'm Already Good

September 7, 2023 - 10:00 PM

It's been a weird, hard past two weeks, with no sign it'll change in the next month or so. I won't be getting much of a paycheck for this period, since we haven't had anything in the books, both because it's the slow season and because I'm scheduled to work at the new location we only just opened. It's not bad, but it is weird and scary. I started pivoting to opening my commissions again, to help myself get afloat. And last night I had wild dreams after waking up from some intestinal distress.

They started like most of my nightmares the past couple years: With my trying to escape from living with my parents again. This time, though, unlike most nights, I slept long enough to get through the escape itself, and to get out. To get to the part of the dream where I was out and realized I was free. And I think that's a lot of what I needed to hit the next level of my recovery, what I needed to actually process that, yeah. I'm free. I'm out, and I'm free. And even though things are hard, I'm safe. They're not falling apart. I'm not trapped, I'm not unsafe. In fact, I'm still safer than I've ever been. And it's not gonna change. I'm not gonna suddenly be unsafe living here, I'm not suddenly going to be berated or hit because I didn't do a chore, or because I said something wrong.

I'm okay. And I'm free. I can get better, but that's not what I have to be. Because I'm already good. And that's...fucking amazing.