Writing It Doesn't Matter

August 30, 2023

Nnnnnf. Writing is hard, and writing about how writing is hard is hard, and writing about how a specific writing is particularly hard is also hard.

But hey, apparently I'm choosing to do this instead of writing the initial thing that's hard.

I've been working on an animation project called It Doesn't Matter since shortly before my Awakening as Sonic--shortly before, because as It Doesn't Matter lightly depicts itself, I'd swung the other way and insisted (to myself) that I couldn't be Sonic, that of course I must be Amy instead. Yeah...it's pretty hilarious in retrospect.

I love working on It Doesn't Matter. I love telling my story, and figuring out how to show it all, and using writing it all as a focus to feel like myself, especially since that last part is so fucking hard to do in this world/life/under fucking capitalism/with disabilities/with chronic pain.

Buuuut...it's kinda a double-edged sword. Because sometimes connecting there makes it hurt more.

Currently, the Zone (episode) I've been working on writing starts with...well, this:

Sonic grumbles and rolls over. He cracks an eye open, and pulls a paw over said eye to block the morning light. He curls tighter for a moment before relaxing. He sighs, opening one eye, then the other, his gaze falling on his furry forearm. He stares at it in transfixed wonder, running a gloved finger over the fur. He sits up, taking in the rest of himself, running his paws over his strong, blue legs.

SONIC (v.o.)
It's still...amazing, to wake up as myself. Even after a few days, I'm still not used to it. I don't want to get used to it. Waking up to this rediscovering of myself is almost like a little transformation all over again--though a lot calmer. Times like this, it all just hits me. How good it feels. How right. I'm myself for the first time in my life. The weight, the tension, the feeling of wrongness, it's more than just gone, it's been replaced by something so much better.

He hugs himself.

SONIC (v.o.)
I just feel so...amazing.

It's a moment I absolutely want to include, cuz hey, I love transformation stuff, I love post-transformation stuff, and I think this sort of stuff is important to include to the story.

But it hurts to read. And it's right at the start of the Zone, so I see it every time I open the tab, and...it hurts. It hurts to read, it hurts to try and get started, it just hurts.