Chili Analogy

Friday, November 3, 2021 - 5:49 PM

I have a really, really bad habit of going really hard, leaving everything on the table...and then having a collapsing breakdown in my limited free time because I didn't leave anything left to take care of myself with. Which, of course I do. I was raised with christian values, where you're supposed to hollow yourself out until there's nothing left and anything else is ungodly levels of selfishness, how dare you, and the only value is in sacrifice.

I still don't have much sensitivity to when I'm starting to be in a bad way--years of being forced to overexert myself and then just deal with the fallout as quiet and hidden to myself whenever I could kinda scarred that system up. So that's less than ideal. And like, being able to push stuff back to deal with something else is nice sometimes, either because I like helping, or because I desperately want a distraction from my own hurting. So how do you put limits on? How do you even go about making sure you aren't always in the red, because any time you have anything extra to spare you don't know what to do but use it to help someone else? Because there's ALWAYS someone to help.

So obviously this isn't something I can fix overnight. But maybe I should start thinking of my energy as chili. I like it, I like making it and think mine's pretty good, and I like to share it. But like, if I make some chili for myself and my family, I'm GOING to get that to my family. Like, I'll still happily share. But if the amount left gets low, and I perceive a danger that my family won't get to eat it, I'm gonna protect that, and I don't care, I'll stab a bitch. And like, I'm not gonna only feed them, either. Fuck you, of course I'm gonna eat with my family, that's not "extra", fuck off!

Cuz I'm not all alone anymore. When I let myself get hollowed out and need to break down and don't have enough left...they have to deal with that fallout now, too. And that's not fair to them. I can't protect my internal resources just for myself, I've got too much trauma about being considered selfish for expressing an opinion or preference (even when asked to do so). But for them, it might be different.

I was angrier about this, but then I ate food, and now I just want to figure out a way to make this actionable. Because I'm not sure where to go past changing my conception of The Problem.

Problem Sleuthing - Sonic