Can't Calm Down

June 24, 2021

I can't calm down enough to think. I can't or won't find time in my schedule ("schedule") to soak. I apparently, somewhere, forgot how to relax.

I love doing things. Sometimes the things I do are relaxing or invigorating. Sometimes they're just necessary, or make life a little bit nicer for the people I care about. I like doing these things...but I don't remember how to not be doing things, and that's a problem. It's not healthy or sustainable, and honestly, it's not actually all that enjoyable.

Where's the joy of life if you can't just sit and be for awhile? Just bliss out and let your mind wander or daydream. Just have time to soak. It feels good, AND it's also got its own utility--without time to soak your brain can't actually encode memories, it gives you a chance to destress, it's just generally good. And I'm still terrified to let myself do it.

I guess that's a big component of why. I'm scared. For so, so many years, it wasn't safe to stop and rest and soak, both because I NEEDED to keep going and didn't have time to build the momentum back up again...and because my mind was a traumatized minefield. Any moment of quiet became a time my mind tore into me, or replayed trauma, or played through possible terrible conflicts with my abusive family, or imagined interactions with shitlord internet trolls. It wasn't safe inside myself, and I needed to keep moving. Even if I could only move at a crawl, I had to move, because stopping would let it catch me. And then I'd have to fight my way out again...and that took monumental effort. Even more effort than just keeping moving.

So I moved. I kept going, and I churned when I had to, and coasted as much as I could to try and recover, but I never stopped. I just kept going. Can't work on this right now? Okay, do that instead. Always keep something to listen to in the background, steal some moments to reflect, but NEVER STOP.

But...now I'm clear of them. Now I'm safe. At least relatively. I'm at least safer. It's much less likely I'll be thrown out on my ass for breaking. So I might actually be able to actually heal. Which means...I have to change my approach.

Going low and slow but never stopping (and really, not exactly "low and slow" most times) was designed to prevent more injury...but was no good for actual recovery. Ironically I USED to know how to stop and rest and protect myself. But when I failed out of SIU, I started to wonder if "maybe the humans were right" about the insane way they'd always insisted I try to work, just incessantly churning, and churning, and churning, never pausing to collect yourself, refocus, rest, breathe. Just go, always.

I couldn't do it, at first. My endurance wasn't there, but adopting a strategy of always moving, never stopping, built it up. More or less, I still sucked at it, and sometimes I was moving soooo sloooowww...but I wasn't stopped.

I'm not sure how to approach changing my approach. With food, I can say, "Oh, it's this time, the designated time of a meal." With rest that's not sleep, though?

I have so many things I want to and like to do. Things that invigorate me...but they're not resting, and they still need some energy to engage in. And my free time's so limited.

I guess...those times that I'm too tired to work, where I end up just cruising onto my phone grasping dopamine, those can be a start?