Back to Feeling This Way

February 20, 2020

I don't want to go back to feeling this way. I don't want to keep floating in this guilt of not properly loving these people who hurt me. Who've proven time and time again that I can't trust them not to hurt me. I don't want to keep being bad, and wrong, and selfish, and lazy, and useless. I don't want to give them another chance, cuz it's always gone the same way. Yeah, not every interaction goes bad. I've gotten pretty good at handling them, and keeping them from spinning off into yelling at me for, well, for being selfish and awful. But I'm so, so tired of watching them every second. Of being ready to jump out of the way at every second, because if I'm standing in the wrong place and they step on me, it's my fault. I'm so sick of watching every second to diffuse them, because they get frustrated, and then pissed so damn fast, and if I don't redirect and calm them down it all goes sideways, either they break something I have to fix, or the anger comes at me another way. I'm so fucking sick of being quiet, and still, and of not taking up space, and staying aside, and just doing nothing but shutting down and protecting myself. And I'm so sick of feeling guilty for wanting to leave.

I honestly don't believe things can change at this point. I can't open up a vulnerability for them to hurt me again. I would need to never, ever spend time with them without a friend present for support to even begin to start letting them see who I actually am, and it would look so, so stupid from the outside, because who's even gonna see it? At this point, I hurt myself as much or more by bracing and freaking out than by anything they do, usually. Some of that's from just knowing what to dodge and never offering an opening. Some of it's from shutting down. But a lot of the worst stuff, that time they each chased me around the house for an hour, so I had two straight hours of being interrogated over whether I was a lesbian, the time when they trotted 18-year-old me out in front of the family like a fuckin' 4-year-old to explain that "funny idea" I had that talent almost doesn't even exist and that skill and practice have a way bigger impact, or all the times I tried to be honest, only for mom to start telling me how she's "failed as a parent." Yanno what? YOU HAVE. I can't talk to you, I can't trust you! The last time I honestly tried to come to you because I was in a rough situation you made it all about you and how everybody curses around you, and it's just the worst thing! I'm sorry, your kid is on the phone, bawling their eyes out of a shitty, abusive program that they don't think they can handle, and the fact that they said the situation was shit is all you care about!? FUCK OFF! I already knew never to trust you before then, but I fucking tried anyway. Fuck you! You did fail there. I'd be willing to accept that a lot of the shit from before then was just typical goth teenager bullshit, but NOT THIS.

It's easy to be angry, but it doesn't help. Don't get me wrong, anger is an immensely useful, valid emotion. But it doesn't help here. I can't use it as an armor when I have to be around them, because I have to pretend to be fine. Have to appease them and their needs. Which is terrifying. I'm horrified by the idea that I don't manage to get out, and end up their caretaker, and just...I cannot. I can't, I can't. But I know, if I were put into that situation as it stands now...I wouldn't be able to say no. I dunno if that means they've broken me to their good daughter what does exactly what they've always wanted him to be, or if it's from the parts of myself that I do value, that don't want to let someone suffer if I can help. Maybe both. Probably both is part of how I'm still even here. The rest is sheer, unadulterated terror.

I'm fucking scared. I can't go back down this hole. I am so, so scared I won't be able to make it out again. I have things I value inside me, and I hadn't felt them in months, maybe even years, until this weekend. I don't know how to keep putting myself back together without them, and I'm not gonna be able to do it if I keep letting myself be torn apart. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of feeling trapped and stuck, of feeling like a worthless failure. I'm sick of fearing I might never be free. I've been suicidal, on-and-off, since my freshman year of high school. I honestly probably don't even know what I look like healthy. But if I don't leave, I'll never have the chance.

I...been kicking around the idea of just selling my house on the DL, paying off my debts, probably selling both the cars, and getting a van or small RV and just going. Trying to just dive in on the furry art and freelance thing, and just rolling with it. It sounds good. It sounds free. It sounds like a life I want to live, or at the very least, one I've always wanted to try. But. Because I haven't wanted to psych myself out...I've done limited research. Some...but not a ton. I think it's something I can do, but I won't know for sure until I do it, aaand because of depression-spending, I can't afford to do a vacation test-drive with a rental. To fund the endeavor in the first place, I kinda gotta go all-in, and hope that I can get through cutting ties, adjusting to a new lifestyle (which even when good is trauma), and starting a new business all at once without imploding.

I know I'm kinda an all-or-nothing guy who veers towards extremes, but that's a lot, even for me. And...it feels really permanent. Like, that's a lot of money blown...and because so much of the down payment on my house came from an insurance policy my parents set up for me waaay back, it doesn't feel like it's mine. So I dunno, feels shitty to think of running off into the sunset with $20,000 I didn't earn, but wasn't gonna say no to when offered.

So...conflicted. But I don't know if there's a faster way out of this shit that's also a life I want, or at least have always wanted to try. And I'm starting to think time is of the essence here.

Heck. I'm already starting to dissociate again, so none of this shit feels real. Hopefully it's just from actually facing the bad things, but...I'm also sick of feeling this distance between what I'm doing, and it is a really bad sign besides. Seriously, this shit's a coping mechanism for extreme trauma, the fact that my dumbass brain busts it out for parent problems and because I can't cope at work is embarrassing. What the fuck, me? This is why I wonder if I can even manage to do better or get out, if I'm so overwhelmed by mundane bullshit.

Ugh. I don't know if I can do this, but I don't know what else to try.