Hi! I'm Sonic! Sonic the Hedgehog! I'm a transmasc enby Otherkin guy whose kintypes are Sonic the Hedgehog and a non-MLP alicorn, and I make lots of comics and TF stuff, and have a ridiculous Sonic TF animation project called It Doesn't Matter I've been working on forever! I also have a TF/post-TF based comic-turned-prose-story-with-illustrations, The New Normal!

Yeah, I've really had a track record of not getting along with my body at all, "Oh, hey, I'm not human. And there is fuck-all I can do to make my body match up with what I really am, and who I am. Well this sucks! I'm not even a girl, either? Fuuuuck!" At least the whole, "Not a girl, but a guy," thing is something I can actually do something about!

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Thursday, February 20, 2025 - 10:30 PM

Aw, right! So reading/re-reading Abbey Kumquatwriter's blog (especially the Crazy Train posts) reminds me of things.

It really fuckin' sucks to hear Andy Blake/Jordan Wood's narratives (Video and Video from Strange Aeons for background). Like. Specifically hearing his narratives utilized to suck people in on his Secret World and to indoctrinate him into his cult. Because there are so fuckin' many parallels to my fuckin' crazy ass experiences as a fictionkin soulbonder.

I don't reach out to my soulbonds much anymore. I'm too overwhelmed, too busy keeping my head above water. And my coping methods, as mentioned earlier today, usually run more towards checking Tumblr or popping on a YouTube video to distract myself. Ever since I worked as a dog groomer, being inside my head has been really dangerous. I'm getting better, but...well. Trauma. I've needed different reliefs. So all those points coming together, and I'm effectively an out-of-practice soulbonder. Which is pretty much how I am with my IRL long-distance friendships. Out of practice, not reaching across the distance the way I'd like. RIP.

Anyway. I'm out-of-touch and physically an Over 30 and therefore Old, so I'm not super up on how it all plays out now. But these niches: Otherkin, Therian, hells, even just Paganism are super easy hunting grounds for these sort of predation. Cuz we're already niche. We already know the kinds of things we receive push-back about--especially from the vicious christian and republican fuckwits. And the militant conservative-ass atheist types.

So we're easy to control. Because of the outside pressure. Because of the shame. Shame is what made me procrastinate on writing this sentence for an hour and a half. Shame is what is making me want to write about anything else, than my truly held beliefs about myself and my experiences. Shame keeps us in the closet. Shame isolates us. Shame makes the slightest push back from people we care about feel like a blow. Shame is what left me broke down sobbing on a dime when my good friend one time said he was a furry, "Not like one of those weird Otherkin."

Shame puts us in a corner. And that isolation makes us vulnerable. So we have bad actors, like Andrew Blake, like Emshir from the unicorn Otherkin community, and like others, I'm sure, who use those things to gather a loyal following. And because we already feel the need to protect ourselves, attempts to reach us, either for good or to mock, are met with defensiveness.

This one time, before Emshir burnt down the whole forum and thus my support system the first time (I mean that I was there for it. I'm pretty sure it wasn't his first time throwing a fit and taking his ball to go home), a group of people were trying to reach out to us kids to let us know that shit was fucked. We were warned a group of "Starseeds" and "Otherkin", neither words I'd heard before that time, might reach out to us to tell us lies about how Emshir, the 30 plus year old in charge of a group of mostly teenage kids on the internet, was Actually Bad, and that we should ignore anything they said.

Naturally I wanted to debate with the one who contacted me instead. He went by Michael, and...he was not helpful. Mostly, it turned into me giving him a listening, therapeutic ear as he told me repeatedly about how he'd been a pallbearer for someone close to him, and that had been very hard. As far as arguments for why our leader was Bad, Actually, it was lacking.

All that happened was that we cleaved closer to one another, staying just as isolated as ever. So when Emshir blew it all up because we didn't post enough and because one forum member had remained logged in on their home computer, and their dad found the forum and wrote a scathing thread that, though quickly deleted, left us all shooketh, and got that poor member in horrible hot water with their family...we were hit hard. The only good thing that came from the Outside people contacting us was that it gave us the word Otherkin for the first time. So we would have been able to connect with other groups...if we hadn't been so gun-shy. Having our home forum explode, and having the only other Otherkin we'd ever heard of be...A Lot left us trying to just hold each other. Some members made an alternate forum, and that lasted for a bit, before Emshir started up again. And for some reason, we went back to him.

Eventually, he'd try and lay the groundwork for creating a Unicorn Otherkin sanctuary/commune in Alaska. Reminder that he was twice our age, and most of us thought we were girls (fillies or mares) at the time. Yeah, it's skeevy. He blew that group up later, too. I can find proof of one, maybe two other iterations of the same thing happening. Where Emshir would start a group, then get mad and leave the members high and dry. There'd always be some sort of attempt to establish a new group afterwards, which would gradually lose steam. Emshir would use this as evidence that he was the only one who could run a Real Unicorn Group. I'm more inclined to believe that outside of the heightened, high control environment our energies to Always Be Posting waned, and that being burned by the community that had been our Home getting wrenched away made us hesitant to lean on it the same way.

The third (or was it fourth? I don't know if those were contiguous?) time I joined his forum/cult, because of course I came back for more, was more of the same. This time, he had his 17 year old mate living with him, whom he'd Rescued from her abusive family. And truly, I'm glad she was able to escape her abusive family. I'm just not confident she didn't escape them into another abusive relationship, as so many of us who've been abused tend to do. Cuz hey, this isn't As Bad As That Was, so it Can't Be That Bad. I hope she's okay.

How much do I want to pick a fight over all this? Emshir has books self-published through Amazon under his legal name, so while I don't currently see sign of a forum or things that he's running online, that doesn't mean he's not, and it's just a Discord or tucked in through his authoring. I just really doubt he's stopped targeting kids to pump up his self-aggrandizing ego and framing it as being a Protector and Leader unicorn.

I wish I had more useful memories, or better documentation of what he did. One of my IRL Otherkin friends from the last time I was in his group walked me through a cult evaluation, and we scored pretty highly. But other than, "He was the Leader and therefore Important," and "We didn't dare say anything against him or disagree with him strongly," I don't have great detailed memories of things that happened. ^_^;; My memories in general are pretty scattered. Hi, trauma. So recounting details is difficult. And the Wayback Machine archives are really spotty. There are some, but none of the forum posts were ever archived there, or if they were, it's in a way I've never managed to access. I had backups of all of his podcasts from the mid to late aughts, but they were saved to an external hard drive that no longer works. I've still got it tucked away in hopes that I can take it to a document recovery place sometime, but I've yet to try. And the more time that goes on the less likely it is that it works.

Emshir wasn't one for leading us into astral battles (at least not in the public parts of the forums or while I was there, no idea what he got up to behind closed doors. In closed glades?), but it's a favorite of cult leaders. Andy Blake loves bringing his cult members into some high stakes fights. My unicorn Mommy Dearest utilized it on me. And though I haven't discussed the situations with my friend since they got out of another bad relationship with some cultish signs and looooots of astral battles...I'm wondering how much was orchestrated by said cultish partner.

So it really sucks when you believe in that sort of stuff. And have to decide how much stock you want to put into what so-and-so is telling you about it from their end. Because, from your end, shit's very real. The fight is always there, and it's always hard. Part of the problem is how we're taught to view struggles like this through fiction, since those of us who're likely to be targeted are pretty damn into fiction. If your hero is genre-savvy, and expects everything to come to a nice, clean conclusion...they're gonna keep looking for fights until they think they've found it. Or, more likely, completely burn out.

I've burnt out from this shit even without a cult leader to drive me. My friend shredded herself fighting war after war after war. And Abbey describes the same sort of thing as a lever Andy used to control her and the other cult members--interrupting sleep, constant drama, consoling, caretaking, explaining, and going to bat for Andy and the Others he claimed to channel.

I dunno. Something, something, denouement. Basically, I wish it was less shitty to talk about these kinds of experiences so we wouldn't be so damned isolated when it happens, and so that people could support one another better and so that we could be less fuckin' likely to fall into high control environments. I want to talk about my own experiences about this shit more, and I'm trying, but it's hard. Both because it's simply emotionally hard to confront, but also it's hard to remember and organize into anything that isn't just me spewing thoughts on the page. But that's effectively my writing style as I get back into it, and out is better than Never and Perfect, so it is what it is. Sorry for the disorganized ramblings.

Thursday, February 20, 2025 - 5:15 PM

I mentioned earlier I been re-reading Abbey Kumquatwriter's blog, and it has me thinking about how the prevalence of blogs kinda just fell off. And I kinda have a theory that it was due to the increased use of smartphones.

Cuz blogs kinda suck to read on the small screen. The navigation's just a little bit worse, the text size isn't always conducive to reading (and I've read SO MANY ebooks and fanfics with terrible, small text on my phone). Chaos, both times I've gone on my archive binges through Abbey's blog I started on my phone and moved to a laptop, where the site was designed to live.

I almost hadn't noticed how much my own screen use has changed over the years. Like. I knew I ended up using a shitload of Twitter née Xitter. I knew I was on Tumblr and Youtube an uncomfortable amount. And all of those, plus the fact that they've been filling up my spare moments between--places where daydreaming, sketching, or scribbling down thoughts...or even reading a few snatches of whatever book I was buried in used to live--lend themselves to cell phone screens. We're always carrying them, after all. Chaos, I've still done my old book habits on my phone. Just, yanno, either ebook or fanfic. Occasionally the odd web-based original fiction--whatever I could find up my particular alley (lots and lots of TF stories and ponyplay). But instead of reading those things chained to my laptop, they were stuck in my hand.

And that's not bad. I've been leaning on those strategies to de-fang my anxiety for as long as I've accepted that I have anxiety. I love sometimes being able to derail a panic attack.

But also. What am I losing in not having those quiet moments, anymore? How much writing have I missed out on? How many fun ideas? How much drawing? Sometimes good things come from boredom. Loathe as I am to accept it.

I really do think we lost a lot moving from blogs to the current layout of the internet. Like, even apart from "Fuck everything belonging to about 3 websites" and the capitalist hellscape of modern times leading to Everything Ever being all about Monetization. Appease the Advertisers, you Content Jockeys. We can throw you away. Wait, where are you going? HAh. There's nowhere for you to go, anyway.

But I seriously love reading people's experiences. It was through reading random blogs I stumbled on that I first realized I might be trans (ah, the aughts). A few years later (2009 to be exact), when I actually accepted I was trans, it was through reading blogs that I put together my understanding of gender, transition, and what to expect. I rebuilt myself through the example of others' experiences. And I really truly wouldn't know where to start on a similar journey today. I'm sure I'd find something, but it'd be so buried and walled off by corporations with something to sell.

And yeah, there was also the cultural pressure. After all. For awhile, "Everyone had a blog," /disdain. So having a blog became cringe. But fuck that, You're mean and that's worse.

Thursday, February 20, 2025 - 4:45 PM

Gray is working really, really hard on getting fed. He's graduated from cuddling me insistently and making chewing sounds, so standing on my keyboard, to knocking things over for attention. ^_^ I love our little demon child.

I had to skip their lunch today. Or, at least, I was in danger of being too broke to give them lunch and dinner today, let alone breakfast tomorrow. Bullet dodged, I was able to pick up my paycheck today, and had some cash in my wallet left over from con and was able to buy more cat food for today and tomorrow. Hopefully my deposit goes through with enough time to pick up more for the week tomorrow or Saturday.

I really shouldn't've let it get this bad. I knew it might be coming. My finances have finally caught up with me on the whole Being Completely Fucked front. I'm running out of my ability to bail myself out, and what I do have stashed...I need to not touch without putting guard rails in to keep this from happening. Some more.

I could've asked my mates for help. But they were going to con this weekend...don't wanna be a burden.

I'm trying another way to try and keep track of my ins and outs. It's not heartening. Chaos, and I don't even have my "escrow" stuff in - for car registration, software re-ups...foook. And ToonBoom's gonna be up, soon. Hells, I'll hafta pause it. That...should be okay. Fuck. Maybe I should just do all my editing for IDM in DaVinci Resolve. Maybe I can figure it out. I'm so tired.

I wanna go home. I wanna just be myself. I don't want to live this life, I don't want to live this way. I don't want this sort of thing to matter. I wanna just go home.

I keep keeping myself from diving in on It Doesn't Matter, the best and only way I have to experience Being Home. Because I'm stressed. Because I can't reach it. Because I already spent months There weeping and hiding under furniture and having my friends and mates cuddle me to get through it. So I could put myself back together enough to get through school. Because I've already put them through too damn much. Because there's nowhere safe to be even There, with how GUN's been running wild. If I could just be home...we could make it better. It's not better. I can't focus.

How do people write blogs and have them be not just raw and disjointed? How do you hop in: Hey, here's my life! Things suck, but sometimes they don't! Here's a story of what's been up with me!

Like yeah, mostly people don't actually blog much, anymore. But I been re-reading Abbey Kumquatwriter's blog (the reason I know her, and the relevant reading thereof, is on her Crazy Train side blog, about her experiences living in a small cult. Experiences I really relate to). So blogs be on my mind.

And I like blogging, and being able to look back on my thoughts and experiences. Having them collected on my website instead of spread through years worth of sketchbooks and phone notes just helps with that. I'd say, "Oh, I should scribble notes down in sketchbooks and then turn them into actual prose later," but I know I'm not gonna get to it. I'm always overwhelmed, 100% of the time. It's why I have so much trouble interacting with people online and through text. Cuz if it's not literally right in front of me, demanding my attention, it's being upstaged by whatever else is.

Things Gray knows very well.

Oh hey, lookit that. A narrative through-line.

Thursday, February 20, 2025 - 10:15 AM

IDM Notes

• Something goes wrong with the nanobots. Or "as designed"
• Full or mostly full roboticisation
• Body horror
• Mecha Madness
• Rings re-proliferating
• Once nanobots back under Tails' control, ring to help grow all my missing parts back.
• Or this happened in the before times
• Maybe write side story

Monday, February 17, 2025 - 12:19 PM

*spontaneously lights on fire* AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WHATTA I DOOOO!? Sorting things out: Okay.

1) My finances are shit

2) I am paying WAAAAAY too much for some things and I need to get it under control because I'm out of ways/before I'm TOTALLY out of ways to absorb emergency--and also we need that money to move

3) I'M PAYING OVER $500 FOR WEB HOSTING!? FUCK!? IT'S EVERY 2 YEARS, BUT FUCK!? AND THEN MORE FOR DOMAIN, SITE SECURITY, AND BACKUPS!? THOSE ARE SEPARATE FROM THE $500? NO. NO NO NO NO NO, NOT DOING THIS, NO. I'M KEEPING MY WEBSITE, BUT NO. GOTTA FIGURE OUT OTHER HOSTING NOW.

4) C A T F O O D. $80 EVERY WEEK. AHHHHHH. I CAN'T. I CAN'T. I CAN'T. I don't think I can keep this up. What if wet food once a day, and dry food twice a day? -_- Chaos, even wet food twice, dry food once would be better. UUUGGGGHHHH. Bag of dry food is $30 from Rawz, which seems a fairly ethical company so it's what I've been getting for wet. AGGGGHHAHH I DON'T WANT KIDNEY DISEASE IN MY BABIES. NOT AGAIN.

5) Insurance: $202/month for car, PAP, DI. Cut PAP? ACTUALLY FUCKIN USE DI (DISABILITY INCOME) NEXT TIME I GET FUCKING SURGERY (IDIOT). IF I CAN'T DO IT MYSELF, ASK MY MATES TO HELP ME FILE A FUCKING CLAIM? PRIORITY IS NOW FUCKING USE THIS SHIT, NOT JUST HOARD IT. Maybe look at changing car to Progressive to go with my renters. PAP...? I dunno. All my tech is old, do I keep the Personal Articles Policy on the off chance one of the cats spills orange juice on my laptop or something? Eh, probably.

6) Paused Audible. Not cancelled. Will need to re-pause in 90 days.

7) HEALTH INSURANCE. I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO THE MARKETPLACE AND FIND A PLAN THAT'S NOT $200 A MONTH. OH, BUT SHIT. DO I WANNA PUSH FOR BOTTOM SURGERY SOON AFTER ALL? AHHHHH

8) KILL ADOBE. BUT REPLACE WITH WHAT? -_- I need to bite the bullet, but I Just haven't

9) WHAT'M I GONNA DO IN A FEW YEARS WHEN MY CAR STARTS BREAKING?

Saturday, February 15, 2025 - 9:17 AM

...I dunno. I mentioned to a coworker yesterday that I'd been looking at trying to go back to school to become a vet before our action plan (for me and my partners) became Fuckin Escape As Soon As Possible.

But...now I'm thinkin' about it again. And I just woke from dreams of doing a bunch of Going Back to School things.

Maybe I should just do it.

I don't know if it's even possible. I know I'd need to get some prerequisite credits knocked out before I'd be eligible and could apply to vet school. I don't truly know the shape of what I'd need to do would look like. The financials involved are scary. And though I think I could do the vet thing, I don't know whether I'd thrive at it.

But maybe I should just do it anyway.

Friday, February 14, 2025 - 11:57 PM

I want so damn badly to finish New Normal and Sonic HRT so I can start making some new projects. It Doesn't Matter is forever, though.

Damn, it'd be cool if I could slam out a zone of IDM each year.

Friday, February 14, 2025 - 2:14 PM

^_^ This is the kind of thing I draw in my sketchbook kinda a lot. I love paws 💙💙💙

Thursday, February 13, 2025 - 1:04 PM

Republicans kill kids.

Republicans are all racist.

They all care more about their personal wealth than anything else.

Ironically, because they're so worried about keeping others from getting scraps, they actually hurt themselves in the process, by fighting against policies that would actually make their lives easier, too.

But what can you expect when they refuse to spit out the brain poison of the protestant work ethic. They're all merely temporarily embarrassed millionaires, after all. Nothing like us poor fucks who are too lazy to work hard and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. A physically impossible task.

I'm angry. I'm angry, and the people who want me and those like me dead don't deserve me pussy footing around it.

Sunday, February 9, 2025 - 11:15 AM

Thursday, February 6, 2025 - 5:34 PM

🎶 Lord, what have you done? 🎶
🎶 You're a pink pony girl, 🎶
🎶 And you dance at the cluuuuub 🎶

^_^ I seriously love Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan, it fuckin' slaps! And like...I haven't really seen ponyplay interpretations? I'm sure that's just me missing it, but I neeeeeeeded to have it, she's a pink ponygirl, after all, and with wanting to make some more NSFW arts for cons, it felt like a good time for me to put it together!

Thursday, February 6, 2025 - 11:34 AM

Unicorn! I love drawing unicorns, and this one is explicitly inspired by Calydor, from Son of Summer Stars, the third book of the Firebringer Trilogy by Meredith Ann Pierce. Chaos, I love those books. Kinda ironically, since I was trying to lean into a more cervine unicorn, the Firebringer Trilogy unicorns are a bit more equine? Though they do have cloven hooves, long fly-whisk tails, and beards. ^_^ I actually super love that the beards of the Firebringer Trilogy unicorns are traits they develop as adults, and both mares and stallions have them.

Experimented with the rendering here, working to try a few different things with painting the lighting a bit differently. Heh, my lighting palette ended up primarily being tones of red, yellow, and green, so it kinda felt like I was painting with a traffic light. Usually I use more blues, purples, and yellows, with maybe greens, pinks, or cyans to pop. I think I prefer the effects of those colors, but these helped with the more natural palette I was trying to convey, here.

Monday, January 20, 2025 - 7:01 PM

HEY GUESS WHAT, LET'S FUCKIN' GO WITH THE NSFW PONYPLAY TFS!

Don't you love it when you're at a kinky rave and your body starts absorbing your pony gear and transforming you into an actual pony? Just me? No? RAD.

I went to Further Confusion this weekend! Literally my first con since Fur Squared 2020 (and one of the last cons period pre COVID), and fuuuuck, was it so amazing to be back. I seriously missed doing cons, and really missed seeing my friends. I tabled a tiny little annex in the Dealer's Den off my buddy SIN's Kaiju Kafe table Saturday and Sunday (Friday my buddy MLW was in that space, they are fuckin' amazing).

Before 2020 exploded, I'd been working up to really trying to pursue art business through doing cons. I really want to start pursuing doing that again, though with a much more healthy approach then when I was pushing myself so hard in order to try and escape a bad situation. I was gonna try and pivot to arting before I changed jobs to my current stable, but that was more thinking about conventional (heh) art fairs and stuff. But...I could focus on furry cons...! And do it in addition to my day job as a riding instructor.

Still working out how I want to try and approach this. But yeah, planning to try and do more art for cons and things. ^_^ I felt left out when we were at Night Market with what I had on hand! No fun stuff? For shame, me!

Saturday, January 18, 2025 - 1:20 PM

New year, new arts, new updates section!

I'm at Further Confusion here in San Jose this weekend! It's been hella fun already! I'm here with my buddies SIN and MLW, hanging off a little section of SIN's Kaiju Kafe booth in the Dealers Den West! If you can, you should stop by!

Elsewise! New arts!

[Three frames: First is a screenshot of a Tumblr post: "Congratulations! You are the new sidekick to a DC or Marvel superhero. Spin the wheel to determine who your mentor is. (NO RE-SPINS) [...] Are you fucked?"]

[Sonic the Hedgehog, paws pressed together, stressed, blurry orange and green figure behind him.]

[Change focus to the figure behind him. Aquaman pontificates excitedly, because I've watched and re-watched Batman Brave and the Bold, so that's my Aquaman.]

Sonic: Chat, we are so cooked.