Pain

Saturday, September 9, 2023

I really thought I was better. I really thought I'd made a breakthrough. I knew I'd still struggle, but...I didn't think it'd be right back to the same again so soon.

It's not quite the same. It is still better. But having the same thoughts about being worthless and useless so soon, within a half hour of being back at my regular day job, of having the knee-jerk thought "I should kill myself," when the pain in my ankles or migraine hammered harder, and not having a way to diffuse the thoughts, not having them respond and dissolve the way I expected to "I'm perfect," "I'm good."

Looking at all that, remembering how hard it was to sleep last night for the migraine pain, I know, I know that a lot of that is just...pain.

But it still fuckin' hurts. And I hate it.