OH, AHH! WHY DOES IT HURT!?

Friday, August 26, 2022 - 10:48 PM

It really fuckin' sucks that it hurts so damn much to work on It Doesn't Matter right now. Like, it is not fair, this is my Coping Project, this is how I ROLL. LITERALLY. It is how I Feel Like Myself. Which, fuck you, maybe that is weird, or pathetic, or like, "Not Sonic-like at all". Fuck you. I've spent years being depressed, years trying to get this stupid fucking body to feel and move a bit more like mine. I work hard, and it is tired! YES, I would prefer to be able to run, especially in the woods, or even go hike, but WHOOPS! MY FUCKIN' BODY PITCHES INTO MAJOR DEPRESSIVE EPISODES WHEN I TRY, BECAUSE I'M BURNING TOO MUCH DAMN ENERGY AT WORK. And I like my job now! It's a good, physical job doing something that actually matters and helps. And my mates are super good and sweet and help me make it work, because I am bad at all the things! Not to mention that most of the time running makes me feel more dysphoric anyway, because this body sure as hell isn't mine, and isn't able to do the things I naturally just DO. Chaos, even getting this thing's endurance up to a bare minimum of "Able to run a mile" was a wretched endeavor. YEAH, SURE, "OH, YOU LAZY SHIT, YOU MADE YOUR BODY THIS WAY! YOU SHOULD'VE EXERCISED BEFORE!" Yeah, well, I was still majorly dysphoric and depressed. I've been doing my best to make peace with this thing and actually take care of it.

But writing IDM sucks right now. Instead of being a focus, a way for me to Be Home the way I...guess I kinda sorta rarely actually did that way? Maybe recording it once it's happened sorta? I dunno, it's hard to pinpoint. But instead of me being able to use it to just Be, it's just making the gulf between where I am and there that much wider. I wrote a thing with me experiencing euphoria there, and it super flared my dysphoria here. Which I guess makes sense, but usually if I was able to do it, I was at least able to just be and feel the euphoria. Even in the bad parts. I dunno. It just sucks right now, because it just leaves me feeling stuck.

And then drawing it for the scene I'm on right now, I just kept freezing, especially because it's, Oh Boy, draw another crowd forever. But also like, I feel like the 40 second transition shot is a shit way of doing this part, but also I don't want to do more on this fucking transition...It's a really shit cycle.

OH, AHHH! WHY DOES IT HURT!? - Sonic